"The Identified Patient" & A Manipulators "Image"

The "Identified Patient"

 The "Identified Patient" is a term describing an individual, in a dysfunctional family who:

1) Gets scapegoated and blamed for a family's problems


2) Has emotional problems that are not a mental illness, but a normal response to the stress of dealing with an unhealthy family in denial.


3) Blows the whistle on a dysfunctional family's problems


The phrase originated because family therapists recognized that the person "identified" as the patient is not necessarily the one who is sick.

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Does this sound like you? This is a quite common occurrence. I was this person, at one point in my marriage. I believed what the people around me were saying, when I tried to speak up about how I felt about the way I was being treated. Instead of hearing anyone validating my feelings or concerns, the focus was put back on me that there must be something wrong because "How could I feel that way about them, they are not doing anything wrong?" and because these were people who were supposed to love and care about me, I believed them. I actually allowed doctors to put me on medication for what they "suspected" I may have, which it turns out I had nothing "wrong" with me. My feelings were being used to cover up for how many problems there were with the people around me. I wan't stupid or naive, it was all I knew from how I had grown up.

I finally became aware of what was going on and made some dramatic changes. I no longer trusted what the people around me said about me. I trusted only how I felt and what I knew to be true because it was true. It was them, not me. I was raised not to trust myself by parents who did not trust themselves either but put the blame on everyone else to cover it up. That was the one crucial thing I had to learn. The people I thought cared about me in the right ways, were so similar to my family of origin, that I was putting trust in the wrong hands.

Unfortunately, people can and do try to say you sound paranoid or delusional. At the nastiest points, I was told that quite a bit, when I was becoming quite confident that it wasn't me, but the person who was supposed to love me.  It's not paranoia if it is really happening. Remember that. Don't fall into the trap that if someone denies it long and hard enough, that it could really be you.

Does this sound like what happens with long interrogations? That's what happens, it breaks you down. So when people ask, "How could you admit it was you?" It happens! Especially when you're under stress and there are people around you that you are supposed to be able to trust. After all, why would they lie to you? Lots of reasons, actually. Believe me, people can lie and deny what you just heard with your own ears, just minutes ago. It's called "crazy making" behavior and you have to stop questioning them, to get validation of what they just said or did. Believe you. Believe your own ears. I've grown up around some very good liars and have learned to be very accountable for my own behavior because of that. It disgusts me when I realized that my own family and those who claimed to care about me later on in life (except for my sister), were not really concerned about me, as much as using me to cover up their own bad behavior.

People who really have the best intentions for you will listen to you and take what you say into consideration, if they are respecting how you wish to live and to be treated. Anyone who is so willing to let everything fall onto you, even when you have protested, does not have your best interests at heart. They may outwardly say, "Oh I'm just concerned for their well being." but they're happy to turn the light on you, in order to take negative light off of themselves. It is very serious to encourage someone to get help for something, when it is more for their benefit than their loved one's own benefit and believe me, they'll not admit it but with manipulative people, they'll do anything to retain an image and tarnish yours. Even if it hurts them in the end. I've seen manipulators in my own family, hurt themselves financially, if it meant that someone else would be hindered. It makes no sense.  The sad part is, many doctors and therapists don't know because the "patient" comes in with "support" from those closest to them. It seems to be honest concern but if the doctor had listened to me and had taken me aside and asked some probing questions, it would have been fairly easy to see what was going on. Sadly, many just don't have the time or concern. I wasn't asked about what was going on with the people around me. 



As a Life Coach in this area, I ask a lot of questions but I listen for over-accountability on the part of my clients and what is going on with those closest to them. I'm for the client, not against anyone. Who the client chooses to associate with is their business. One goal, among others, is to live honestly with yourself.

*It's about the truth within your value system. It's about the truth as you choose to live it.*

*My Other Blog*

Just a reminder for those who aren't aware, I have another blog, about my childhood: 

A-Ready-Heart.blogspot.com

It's emotional but I wanted to get it out there for others to relate. Please feel free to share and comment.

Respectfully,
Erin Grace

Pleasing vs. Helping

Article created with content from emotionalcompetency.com

When someone turns to us, as a source of help or support, it can help to distinguish whether you wish to make that person happy with what they hear from you, or whether you want to truly help them (another issue that comes up is whether you really want to help them or get them to believe your values are what they should think about).

                   Pleasing may not be Helping

You can please someone by assisting them in satisfying an impulse but you may be indulging them rather than helping them.

To help someone, you have to assist them in acting consistently with their *values. That may be much more difficult. This takes deep listening and reminding yourself it isn't about you and your values. If something arises that seems to go against what they believe, you can ask non-judgmental questions to enlighten the person on where they may be acting counter to their values. This is the distinction between short-term pleasure and long-term gratification.

Values are:

What is important to you?

What is not so important?

What are your priorities?

What really ticks you off?

What is worth defending and protecting?

Answering these questions begins to identify your/their values—enduring beliefs of what is most important to you/them.

As a coach, I am not hired to please someone, with what they hear from me (unless they aren't getting enough support, then they need to feel uplifted and encouraged), as much as, getting them to their goals while remaining consistent with their values. To do this, I have to ask a lot of questions to understand the clients values. When people ask you questions, try to determine whether they are asking in order to help, be nosy or simply give you what you want to hear.

  

© LifeSights 2012

Two Excellent Websites About Emotional Competence and Emotional Intelligence

Hello Everyone,

My sister recently discovered a couple of in depth websites about emotional well being that I feel are excellent references. I'll be concentrating some blog posts around concepts from these sites, which I find particularly interesting (and how I have experienced them in the context of my own life).

Keep in mind that as with anything, you have to consider what is said on these sites, in the context of your own life and circumstances...if you are in an abusive environment, one which you cannot express yourself openly without fear of repercussions, etc., your behavior under those circumstances may not match what is considered "acceptable, healthy, emotionally intelligent, etc." according to those sites. Always keep context in mind (as site #1 points out)!

I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have!

With Respect & Kindness,
Erin

Site #1- www.emotionalcompetency.com

Site #2- www.core.eqi.org

Change In My Focus

Just a heads up to those who may not be aware, I am in the process of changing my focus from marriages to relationships of any kind involving emotional and verbal abuse and the manipulation that accompanies these issues.

My website will be the last to change over but understand I will always be available to coach anyone with almost any issue. However, if I feel you would be better suited for another coach, I will help you find one! I'm not one who tries to be a hero! If I believe someone could help you better than myself, then I believe in having the humility to say so.

Thank you all for your support!
Erin

Things To Be Aware Of In Relationships: For Husbands AND Wives

Things Men Do To Strain Or Ruin A Marriage (this is not to say women don't do things as well but I am relating to men here):

Leaving her alone, either when she's upset or not including her in plans.

Not showing appreciation: I have learned that the words "I appreciate [action]." are very important, as well as the actions.

Not letting her "in" when you're depressed or feeling angry, resentful, bitter.

Not getting close, or giving affection unless you want sex.

Trying to fix her or constant criticism.

Not addressing her insecurities seriously.

Not saying "I'm sorry".

Not realizing who you are, the patterns you tend to get into with people, women in particular.

Not being accountable/responsible for your actions.

To Be The Best Husband You Can Be In Your Marriage:

Be responsible

Have leadership ability

Have decision making ability

Be strongly disciplined

Courageous, even though you are fearful

All together, men feel these show "manliness"

What Do Men Ultimately Want In A Relationship? 

Men want someone who makes them feel good about themselves, to feel needed & respected. They want someone who gives them attention and makes them feel special, intelligent, attractive & confident.

What Do Men Worry About?

Losing a job affects a mans sense of worth and his ability to provide; men worry about money and finances.

Losing looks

Aging 

Being intelligent enough

Being a good father

©LifeSights 2012

Physical and Emotional Things Men Can Give Their Wives

*Men, keep in mind these are things I have learned from male friends, both married and unmarried (but in long-term relationships)....plus what I know that helps me and other female friends I have, when it comes to relationships and marriage*

                                                                          #1

Touch (and compassion) make a difference to women, some men are afraid to reach out when their wife is upset, when actually the best thing to do is to touch her hand or put an arm around her. What you say is important, as well, but it doesn't have to be much. Unless she tells you to leave, don't walk away without saying anything, thinking that she needs to be left alone. As I've said before, I have heard from men that when women are upset, men have a tough time knowing what to do, just as much as what to say.


Sometimes people just want to vent their frustrations with their situation. Resist the urge to give her solutions when you'd be much better off listening. Many times men want to help by fixing or solving things for their partners. Men are very accustomed to problem solving, let me reassure you that this may very well not be one of those times. Listen for cues in the conversation that tells you she is just frustrated and obviously if she's upset with you, then it changes things! You know her better than anyone (I hope!)

 Women want someone who will listen and appear to 
understand (if you don't "get it", it's okay). Women don't 
need someone who has all of the answers to what they are 
venting about, they just want someone who will say
 (sincerely), "Wow, I can't believe that happened!", "That's great!" or "That's terrible!" Don't be preoccupied with something else. People can tell when they don't have your full attention. Listen and make eye contact.

Women want someone to *mirror back what they are concerned, frustrated, sad, happy or angry about, that's why we turn to girlfriends so much because women are good at "mirroring". Women, of course, are very verbal (surprise, surprise), so we talk things out and it helps, even when we do most of the talking while the other person just listens. Most of us don't expect anyone to solve or fix our problems, we just want to know that you get where we're coming from, even if most times, you have a difficult time understanding all of it. Just make a genuine effort.

*Mirroring is common in conversation. The listeners will typically smile or frown along with the speaker. If one person throws in a certain topic, the other will likely contribute similar ideas. Since people usually accept their mirror image with ease, mirroring the person with whom one is speaking generally makes them feel more relaxed and encourages them to open up.

Keep these things in mind, when you think it matters the most and it can go a long way in improving communication.

                                                                               #2

As a coach, I have to really work on not assuming anything and not being judgmental. It's not as easy as you think. Generally, how we are raised, feeds our perspective on things. We all have our perspectives and our points of view and to not let them interfere with helping someone is sometimes quite difficult. In relationships, try very hard not to be judgmental and critical. In fact, be able to take criticism, even if you very much disagree. In the long run, it may not be anything you feel is important to change but try to listen, as you would expect her to, if you had a criticism of her. As with anyone/anything else, say that you will consider it...remember, it's not easy for her to say those things to someone she cares about, especially when she's risking making you angry or hurting you.

#3

Don't be a know it all. Keep your mind open to new things and new ideas, it can make her feel important and you may actually learn something. Resist the urge to say that you already know that or share what you know about that subject and thank her for expanding your knowledge of it. Learn what humility really means and practice it often. Humility is not a sign of weakness, it's actually sign of strength to not have to show your perspective or opinion all of the time. Just let someone BE. When you understand humility, it shows that you know your weaknesses and you're okay with them. You're comfortable in your own skin.

#4

Be open and honest about yourself. Be authentic, be vulnerable, try to look her in the eyes or at least be near her. Tell her how you feel about something. Show your emotions without being overly needy and if it brings up strong emotions, reassure her that's okay, it's good for you, or you've got it under control. Don't be the judge of what she can handle and what she can't, she shouldn't need you to protect her from feelings.


We show vulnerability in many of the things we do, when we make a connection with someone as a friend, lover, or otherwise. Many of the mistakes we make when communicating with others, come down to the inability to show vulnerability but then there are some who show so much, so frequently and inappropriately, that they appear needy. In today's world, many people are becoming more and more emotionally shut off, as a society,we are very disconnected, closed off from our own and others feelings and emotions. Some vulnerability is good, we are not indestructible or robots but our society seems to be valuing disconnect from feeling, more than ever before. I think it is downright scary. 


If you really having trouble talking to your wife, tell her. Most of us are compassionate and understanding. Most women do understand that we're different than men. We know that we're the more verbal ones, so please tell us if you're not sure what to say. Sit your wife down and tell her, OR,  (my shameless plug but it's free for you, a valuable gift). Sign up on my website for "Husbands! Three Simple Ways To Meaningful Communication With Your Wife-Now!" www.lifesights.us  Show your vulnerability. Any worthwhile woman will understand it's because you love her.Tell her if you're afraid of saying the wrong thing. I know a lot of men say that they're afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting someone they love, that's why a lot of times they tell me that they don't say anything at all.

#5

Express your needs in relationships but don't be needy. Don't expect someone to fix things. Don't feel entitled or play the victim. Keep your expectations realistic. Remember to consider the context with her feelings and with your own feelings. Don't jump to conclusions and above all else, give her the benefit of the doubt. Try not to be defensive and offended over everything. Pick your battles!!


Be reliable. Treat her with care and respect. Do for her what you want to be done for yourself (and you should be getting the same, in return), it's really that simple. Reciprocate.

*******************************************************************************
**Keep in mind, as much joking as there is about women being the "boss" in the relationship and nagging you to death, if you really do feel that your wife is that much in control and truly disrespectful of your relationship, then these suggestions are probably not going to work. Try it, but you know your marriage, so trust your instincts. 


You may need more help communicating with her or a different approach to how you want to deal with your relationship. Hiring a relationship coach or counselor could help, depending on whether you want to set goals and get to them i.e. asking yourself the "what" and "how". Whether you prefer coaching, as it looks at what you want now and your goals/moving forward,  or whether you want to look at things from a different perspective, as counseling does, by looking at the past, as it relates to "now" and delve into the "why" of things.


Copyright 2012 LifeSights

As A Husband, How You Can Lead By Example

Lead Your Marriage and Family By Example:

Things I Work On Personally & Live Every Day!

by Erin Grace D’Acunto

These things teach the incredible lesson of humility. When I learned to appreciate these lessons in life, I reached a new level of self-awareness, happiness and appreciation for life. 

• Take responsibility. Blame costs you your credibility, keeps others on the defensive and ultimately sabotages real growth.

• Be truthful. Inaccurate representation affects everyone you are close to...show that honesty really IS the best policy.

• Be courageous. Go first. Take calculated risks that demonstrate commitment to a larger purpose.

• Acknowledge failure. Others will see it is okay to do the same. Failure is part of learning.

• Be persistent. Try, try again. Go over, under or around any hurdles to show that obstacles don’t define your relationship or family.

• Create solutions. Don’t dwell on problems; instead offer solutions and then ask your wife or other family members for more.

• Be attentive- Ask questions, it’s how to learn, how to understand and how to let others showcase their knowledge. You’ll receive valuable insights and set a tone that encourages healthy dialogue.

• Entrust others where they will shine- Encourage an atmosphere in which each family member can focus on their core strengths.

• Self Care- Exercise, don’t overwork, take a break. A balanced marriage and family, mentally and physically, is a successful one. Model it, encourage it, support it! 

• Be directly involved with the processes- You’ll inspire greatness in your household!

Walk the walk, don’t just talk the talk. Work to banish shame (a useless, hurtful emotion), fears of being embarrassed, or looking foolish (admit it, most of us feel those feelings, to some degree or another). Become a person others want to follow. One thing that, almost immediately, makes us lose trust in someone we have esteem for, is hypocrisy.

Copyright 2012 LifeSights.us

How Well Do You Maintain Balance in Your Marriage?

How Well Do You Maintain It In Your Marriage?

by Erin Grace D’Acunto

If trying to maintain balance in your marriage makes you feel as if you’ve got one thing constantly piling up upon another, you’re not alone. Most of us have many demands on our time and energy; often, too many. With work, children, a wife, friends, extended family, activities, projects/hobbies, etc., our time is easily taken up!

Take this quiz to see how well you are meeting your marriages’ needs, while also recognizing and fulfilling other needs and wants.


Of course, balancing “yes” and “no” is easier said than done, especially in a marriage, so this is meant to be a “check-in”, on how you’re looking after yourself, not to add to the stress you already have!

True or False

1. The only way I can successfully manage my marriage, is to take care of myself physically and emotionally.

2. Nurturing myself enlarges my capacity to help my family.

3. I eat healthfully and exercise regularly.

4. I get check-ups, go to the dentist, and take other preventative precautions.


5. I set aside personal, quiet time for myself, whether I’m meditating or simply letting my thoughts drift. 

6. I experience the gifts of each season: ice skating, sledding, bundled-up beach walks; gardening, hiking, more time outside; camping, swimming, barbeques; harvesting the bounty, gathering wood, spending more time inside.


7. Creativity nurtures me, too. I do what I love, whether that’s cooking, drawing, painting, writing, dancing, singing or another creative pursuit.


8. Reaching out to my wife is easy for me, I am able to spend quality time with her.


9. Contributing to the world provides connection and purpose, so together we give our time, energy and experience where it is most useful.


10. I notice, heed and speak with my wife about the emotional signals that tell me I’m out of balance: irritability, overwhelm, resentment.


11. If I feel that I’m catching a cold, I realize I may have stressed my immune system with over-activity, so I stop and take care of myself.


12. When I need or want to, I say “no” to requests for my time.


13. I listen to and honor the requests my body makes for such things as a nap, a walk, fresh fruit, hot soup. 


14. If I have something planned for myself, I don’t just toss that aside when my wife, or others, make a request of me.


15. I’m busy but I find time to do the things I want to do.


16. I’m happy. I regularly experience well-being, contentment, even joy.



                                   Answered false more often than true?

                               

 You may want to take a look at the questions to which  you answered false and see if you can incorporate something from those messages into your life.

If you still find you’re having a difficult time finding balance and it’s interfering with being where you wish to be in your life, hiring a coach can be a big help! Most coaches, such as myself, offer free sessions to see if their approach will work for you; feel free to contact me for a free session! I will never pressure clients to work with me.

                                 info@www.lifesights.us

Copyright 2012 LifeSights

Gratitude in Marriage

Practice Gratitude In Your Marriage

by Erin Grace D’Acunto

 Long-term studies support gratitude’s effectiveness, suggesting that a positive, appreciative attitude contributes to greater success in many areas, including marriages.

While we may acknowledge gratitude’s many benefits, it still can be difficult to sustain. Many of us have been inadvertently “trained” to more quickly notice what is broken or lacking in our lives. The negative tends to stand out and be remembered much more rapidly and easily than the positive. Think of any negative experience (i.e. at a restaurant) and then think of a positive experience. Unless the positive experience is far beyond other positive experiences you’ve had, (when dining out), most people will be quick to tell about a negative experience before the positive one.   

For gratitude to meet its full healing potential in our lives, we have to learn a new way of looking at things; a new habit. That can take some time. I have personally done it and no, it does not happen quickly. Any changes in ways of thinking literally have to make new paths in your brain. Like walking through the woods, you have to travel the same spot repeatedly, to leave an imprint.

My change came about because of the extreme, emotionally trying circumstances I was living in, in my own marriage. My situation gave me very little to be happy about. It was during that time that I had 2 choices, be miserable and see life as “owing” me something (like the people who were around me) or look for goodness everywhere and be thankful for what I have been given. I don’t give up without a fight, so the latter was the only option for me. I found myself going from a negative thinker to a positive thinker. I managed to slowly forge another path by catching myself in the negative moment and telling myself to find some good in it. While I wasn't able to get my spouse to adopt my way of finding gratitude, it has helped me to move through some very difficult times, made my journey less dark and the future more positive.

Some have said, “Maybe you made it through because of your circumstances.” No, I do not give credit to an abusive situation. I made it through in spite of my circumstances and I certainly don’t give credit to abusive people.

When we practice giving thanks for all we have, instead of complaining about what we lack, we give ourselves the chance to see all of life as an opportunity and a blessing. We are not entitled to have things; learn to appreciate.

Of course gratitude isn’t a blindly optimistic approach in which the bad things in life are glossed over or ignored, it’s more a matter of where we put our focus and attention. Pain and injustice exist in this world, but when we focus on the gifts of life, we gain a feeling of well-being. Gratitude balances us and gives us hope.

There are many things to be grateful for: your wife, family, colorful autumn leaves, legs that work, friends, a place to live, a job, food to eat, warm jackets, the ability to read, your health. What’s on your list?

Ways to Practice Gratitude

• Keep a gratitude journal or a list that is visible to you, every day. List things for which you are thankful.  Make daily, weekly or monthly lists. Greater frequency may be better for creating a new habit, but just keeping that journal or list where you can see it, will remind you to think in a grateful way.

• Make a gratitude montage or book by drawing or compiling pictures.

• Practice gratitude as part of your nighttime routine for yourself and your wife, or, if you have them, with your children. Practice it around the dinner table. The sincerity can be very touching to others.

• Find the hidden blessing or learning experience in a challenging situation.

• Notice how gratitude is impacting your life. Write about it, express thanks for gratitude.

As you practice, an inner shift begins to occur, and you may be pleased to discover how content and hopeful you are feeling. That sense of fulfillment is gratitude at work. It is a great way to learn humility and to be a much happier person, all around.

                                                                 

                     

© 2012 LifeSights.us

Coping with the End of a Relationship

by Erin Grace D'Acunto

 Facing the end of a  relationship is stressful, no matter how maturely both people handle it. When there's children and years of history, extended family, etc. it drags out the pain. I've been through a very rough breakup, in particular. 

•  Take an honest look at yourself. What are your strengths, weaknesses? How did those positively or negatively influence your situation?  What went wrong or right? What could you have done better? What worked really well?

• Step up your self-care, take time to focus on who you are. Major changes are physically and emotionally taxing. You need self-care and support now, more than ever. It may be devastating right now but life does go on and there is always a way out and up. 

•  Focus on what you want, and less on what you don’t want. Keep your eye on the future. If  assertiveness or good boundaries was a problem for you in the past, start working on improving them.

•   Find support. Since your transition affects your family as well, it may be better to seek the outside support of friends or professionals. Surround yourself with positive activities and people. Know your limits with how much you can take on and what well meaning words you want to consider from others. I'm guilty of isolating myself and not wanting to bother others or hear their "2 cents"...it's not healthy. Be clear with others if you don't want to discuss things but don't avoid people who care for you. There's nothing "weak" about saying you need help, just the opposite.  

• Work on your thoughts. Calm your fears and reinforce your sense of hope and happiness. Force yourself to smile at people (yes force...in time, it becomes easier), hold a door or give a compliment, even when you don't feel like it. It can become a habit and lift your mood. You have control over this in your life, it is a choice. However, I'm not saying to sugar coat your situation.

•  Reassure (or avoid) those who are threatened by, critical, or jealous of, the change. It surprised me how many people wanted to see my situation as an "it takes two" scenario, when it was much more serious and deeper than that. You don't need people trying to tell you how to feel and what you "should have" done.

•  Create your own rite of passage, take time to vent. Ceremony and ritual help with all transitions. Have fun with it. If you feel overwhelmed with anger or sadness, go someplace isolated (I go in my car) and yell, curse, whatever you need to do to get it out. My car has heard it all. =)

•   Let go of how things were “supposed to be” and work to accept “how things are.” Find appreciation for what is. This is a tough one because endings aren't always done and over with quickly. Avoid the radio or listen to upbeat music or fun commentary, that's what I did and still do. I want happiness and hope in my life.

•  Keep things in perspective. Or try on a new perspective. Don’t get stuck. Remember, the only constant is change. There's so many people in the world, someone is out there...

 Copyright 2012 LifeSights.us

Assertiveness Without Alienating

Asking for what you want and setting boundaries for what you don’t, is essential for good communication. Sometimes though, in practicing this skill, we over-do the assertiveness and end up making someone angry, feeling resentful or shutting down.

Below are four tips for developing your assertiveness that will actually strengthen, deepen and enrich relationships:

 1. Be Clear

Being assertive starts with knowing what you are and aren’t; what you’re willing to be, do, or to have. For many, that’s a monumental task in itself. Here, it may help to ask: “In an ideal world, what would I like to happen?” Focusing on an ideal outcome opens our minds, prevents us from becoming too passive or falling into “victim-thinking.” It helps us get really clear on what we want and don’t want. (Personally, it’s one question I very often ask my clients, in order to get to the heart of what they want.)

 2. Set Boundaries

Once you know what outcome you need (or want), share it. Pay attention to the way stating your boundary feels in your body. With practice, you can actually sense when you’ve got it right for you. It can feel great, even exhilarating, to express your needs or desires out loud. Phrases like “such and such doesn’t work for me” are simple ways of being assertive while maintaining  a connection. (I’ve done it myself and it truly is an amazing feeling.)

 3. Make a Habit of Stating Your Needs and Wants

Exercise being assertive. Practice speaking up daily, about things big and small. When you speak up about “smaller” things, others get used to the assertiveness. It becomes easier for you to practice and for others to hear. The best part is, when bigger issues come along, there already will be a healthy process in place for dealing with differences and there will be greater confidence in the resilience of your relationships.

 4. Give as Much as You Get

If you want your boundaries to be respected, respect those of others. When it comes to following through on a reasonable request, actions do speak louder than words.

*Finally, if you find that your assertiveness is consistently being met with defensiveness or disrespect, it may be time to re-evaluate the value of the relationship and, if it is a marriage or romantic relationship, you may find it helpful to speak with a professional counselor or coach.

 © 2012 LifeSights.us

Support Systems Are Crucial To Good Relationship Communication

"None of us has gotten where we are solely by pulling ourselves up from our own bootstraps. We got here because somebody bent down and helped us. ~Thurgood Marshall

Good communication skills are essential to long term relationships but when a relationship is lacking in even the most basic outside support and a couple relies solely on each other for everything, anyone can easily succumb to impatience, blaming, negativity, etc. Not getting adequate support and/or perspective from others, outside of the relationship, the inevitable stress and pressure can be absolutely overwhelming. If either one of the couple is suffering any sort of depression or any other mental health or physical problems, this too can intensify the everyday stress we already have.

Men are conditioned in our society to take on everything (as a woman, I realize we expect ourselves to do much the same but for the sake of this article, I am speaking of men). I felt this was a very important post to write because I have been in just such a very difficult situation, watching men I cared about, take more and more on, with no intentions of letting any help in. Asking for help can be felt as a sign of weakness. It's not! It is definitely a sign of courage and strength to say, "This is my limit. I am no good to anyone, if I am emotionally and physically, spent."

Practice humility before truly getting to a point at which people would have a very hard time helping you up. That is something to consider right there, don't let it get so far because others would have to work twice as hard to help you. Personally, that is what keeps me from waiting too long to ask...one thing my father taught me, as troubled as he was, "Speak up, don't wait too long or it's harder on others to help you." Don't wait until things feel completely out of control. It's that much harder to pick yourself up, especially when you know that other people are counting on you. Your intentions for not asking may seem noble but remember the old saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

Sometimes you have to work extra hard to find support when you're already very tired and overwhelmed. It certainly can be very frustrating, especially in our day and age when people aren't as readily available and willing to get to know each other, as in past decades. Add to that, the pressure of being a parent, spouse, provider of care for an elderly relative, etc. Reaching out to those closest to you, is a first step. The internet and phone has helped me greatly but personally, I find person-to-person contact still means a lot more. If you are independent like me that can be tough because you don't want to burden anyone. You are not burdening anyone, everyone has their limits and it's wise to know when you've reached yours. If there is little or no family to help, then look at friendships, relationships you have established through work connections or even those through groups you've involved yourself with, in the community, or in your own neighborhood.

Reaching out to a mental health counselor or life coach that you trust is also helpful and important. Ask others for advice (you don't necessarily have to divulge a lot of personal information up front), people are flattered and usually very willing to give their perspective on things. As human beings, we want to be needed. Even if you've never been a particularly religious person, some of those organizations are very welcoming and can provide a lot of emotional and/or financial support. The bottom line is, you just have to open your mouth and be honest, there is no shame in saying, "I need a hand here."

It's important to remember if you do not feel comfortable with the help you're getting, don't feel obliged. It's one thing if it's financial help but for someone to talk to, if you don't feel heard, you don't owe the person anything and if they truly care, they won't make it difficult on you. A quote that's very important to me, came from my sister, "True authority builds you up." Simply put, someone who really knows what they're talking about, will help you feel better about yourself, not worse. You shouldn't be left feeling ashamed or guilty. You know the people I'm talking about, there's the ones who, after talking to them, you leave feeling energized and really great about life in general and then there's the others....after talking to them, you leave feeling bad about yourself or that you haven't done enough. Don't do that to yourself, you don't deserve to feel bad when you're trying to get back on your feet.

Just being around people who assure you they know how you feel (read up on the concept of "mirroring" to understand how such a simple concept can mean a lot to someone who is struggling), can work wonders more than any material things could ever do. You would be surprised how many people you might get if you dare to start your own group. There are many ways to get others with similar problems, together. Free, or low cost meeting facilities are easy to find (library, community centers, clubhouses). The function of a peer-to-peer support group is people sharing feelings and information. Peer-to-peer means those who are in the same boat. Support groups are about helping one another with emotional support, not about finding cures or research, unless of course, you wish to do so but I'm talking about emotional support. The bottom line is, don't let fear, pride or apprehension stop you from reaching out! The most intelligent, attractive and successful men, have come to be that way, by allowing help from others, into their lives.

Communicating Constructively

*From the website of Wright State University: 
http://www.wright.edu/~scott.williams/skills/communicating.htm#The

*I chose this article as it may be especially interesting to men; it targets sports teams and their management but can be easily transferred to other relationships in our lives. It may not be the most compassionate communication or necessarily reflective of what is needed in more romantic relationships but I think it is an interesting article with helpful tools for friendships of both sexes and for work relationships.

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The Eight Attributes of Constructive Communication

        Constructive communication is very helpful when coaching or counseling a member of your staff.  A poorly handled discussion of a staff member's performance can easily lead to defensiveness and even outright rejection of any suggestions for improvement.


 1.      Problem oriented, not person oriented.  Problem-oriented communication focuses on a problem that can be solved rather than the person who is responsible for the problem.  An example of problem-oriented communication is if a coach were to tell a pitcher, "The best way to get ahead in the count is by throwing a first-pitch fastball."  On the other hand, an example of person-oriented communication would be, "You've been throwing too many first-pitch breaking balls."  Person-oriented communication puts the listener on the defensive and focuses the attention on blame rather than on avoiding or solving future problems.


 2.      Congruent, not incongruent.  Congruent communication conveys what the speaker is thinking and feeling.  There are definitely situations where discretion is a more appropriate choice than full disclosure of what we think and feel.  However, in most communication situations, we communicate more effectively when we're candid.  If we aren't honest, listeners won't trust what we say.  A common example of incongruent communication is saying that "it's no big deal" or "I don't mind" when you are in fact discussing an important issue.  We're constructive when we use congruent communication because we're giving the other party the truth rather than misleading them.


3.        Descriptive, not evaluative.  Evaluative communication expresses judgment of the listener, or his or her actions.  To be an effective constructive communicator, we should objectively describe problems rather than speak in an evaluative manner.  An example of a blatantly evaluative statement would be, "It's stupid to throw so many first pitch breaking balls."  Evaluative communication puts the listener on the defensive.  It's more descriptive and therefore more constructive to say, "You'll have more success if you consistently get your first pitch over for a strike."


4.        Validating, not invalidating.  Validating communication helps people feel understood, valued, and accepted.  In contrast, invalidating communication treats people as if they are ignored, worthless, or alienated.  Invalidating communication is superiority-oriented, rigid, impervious and/or indifferent.  For instance, consider the following examples of possible invalidating responses to the catcher's statement, "I thought it would be a good idea to call a lot of breaking balls today because they had trouble hitting them last night."

• "Look, coaches coach and catchers catch, so just do what I've asked," is an example of superiority-oriented communication.

• "As I said, use a first pitch fastball to get ahead in the count," is an example of rigidity.

• "Well, I guess you thought wrong," is an example of imperviousness.

• "I also don't want you talking to the umpire so much about his strike zone," is an example of indifference, because it ignores the catcher's comment altogether.

        Validating communication avoids treating the listener like a lesser person or being inflexible, impervious or indifferent.  Validating communication shows respect for the other party's thoughts and feelings, even when there's disagreement.  One of the most effective ways of doing that is by finding a point of agreement.  For instance, the coach could have said, "Yes, it definitely does make sense to throw breaking balls today.  But, the breaking balls will be even more effective if you get ahead in the count first."


5.        Specific, not global.  There are two key drawbacks to global statements of problems; they're often too large to be resolved and they tend to oversimplify and misrepresent problems.  For instance, if the coach were to say to the catcher, "You're calling all the wrong pitches," the comment is too general to be accurate and helpful.  First, even if the catcher is having a bad game, some of the pitches must be right, even if that's just by coincidence.  So, that global statement is wrong, and that kind of inaccuracy adds fuel to the defensiveness.  Second, it doesn't tell the catcher what he should do to improve.  Maybe he can figure it out, but a more specific statement would explain what the coach expects in the future.  A more specific statement would be, "In order to get ahead in the count, we need to have our pitchers throw more first pitch fastballs."


6.        Conjunctive, not disjunctive.  Disjunctive communication takes at least three forms; not letting the other party speak, long pauses, and switching topics.  Disjunctive communication can result in the other party thinking that their input is not being considered.


 7.       Owned, not disowned.  When we "own" our communication, we take responsibility for our statements and acknowledge that we are the source of the ideas conveyed and not someone else.  We "disown" communication when we search for third parties to attribute our comments to.  For instance, if the coach would have said, "The manager wants you to call more first pitch fastballs," he would have disowned the communication.  We have more respect for a person who will be accountable for the requests they make.


  8.      Listening, not one-way message delivery.  Effective listening is actively absorbing the information given to you by a speaker, showing that you are listening and interested, and providing feedback to the speaker so that he or she knows the message was received.  Effective listening is often taken for granted, but it's a valuable managerial tool.

How The Co-Dependency Label Is Misused

How the Codependency Movement is Ruining Relationships and Dismissing the Real Issues

(This post is not completely authored by me but some was taken from a mental health counselors blog. No name was given by the author but the blog is called, "Saurly Yours".)

I came upon an article which seems to be the only one on the subject of co-dependency and how it might be actually hurting people more than it helps. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that feels that this topic is simplifying what, many times, is actually a deeper subject. When attempting to explain why I couldn't immediately get out of an abusive situation, I, myself was once handed one of Melody Beattie’s books and told to read up on co-dependency and "do the work". The first thing I thought was what a slap in the face it was, to have what I needed to talk about and get some validation on, be summed up so quickly and dismissed.

Co-dependency has become an accepted and convenient diagnosis. It was popularized in Melody Beattie’s books “Co-dependent No More” and “Beyond Codependency.” 

Although codependency is a favorite pop-psychology term, it is not listed in the DSM-IV-TR diagnostic statistical manual, which is an industry standard for the American Psychiatric Association. In fact, many mental health professionals do not believe that it exists. This label originally came from the 12-Step Program, and is usually used to excuse away bad choices and behaviors. "Oh, I can't help it," it is often said or implied. "I'm a co-dependent."

I was counseling an unhappy wife one day. She had already admitted that the difficulties were not coming from her husband. "I have a codependency issue," she said glibly to me.

"No," I assured her firmly, much to her surprise. "You don't!"

Codependency does not exist. However, it is an “easy” diagnosis that most people prefer (including diagnosticians), because it often allows them to avoid confronting true inner conflicts. People who are misdiagnosed with co-dependency seem to fall into two categories: These 2 categories are where I completely agree with the author.

1. UNHEALTHY: This person is troubled. He’s in a toxic relationship due to his own mixture of unhealthy practices, values, and beliefs which he has formed that prevents him from living a happy and productive life.

2. HEALTHY: This person may have some mild issues that she's dealing with. However, she is mistakenly diagnosed as "codependent" when the root cause could be something completely different. Often, the source of her problems might be anxiety or depression or other troubles that can be solved with medication and/or counseling. When she is treated successfully for the underlying cause(s), her "codependency" is solved.

Sometimes a perfectly healthy individual (with no issues whatsoever but old-fashioned loyalty and fidelity) might be mislabeled as codependent. It becomes a risky diagnosis, because levels of loyalty and love vary from one person to the next. Who dares to measure how "healthy" it is to love deeply and love well? Mind you, I'm not addressing obsessive preoccupation with a loved one i.e. borderline personalty disorder: I'm saying that many different people experience many different degrees of love. Devotion in a relationship should not be automatically labeled as "codependent".

It is very possible for a primarily healthy person to find herself in a relationship with an unhealthy person. Both partners may be misdiagnosed as codependent, when the situation is much more complicated than that.

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Let me illustrate this:
 

Adam and Barbara have only been married for a short time. Each of them came into the marriage with a certain set of expectations and preconceptions. Adam assumed that marriage was merely a continuation of their dating relationship. He still expects to tee-off with the boys every Saturday morning and go fishing with his best friend, Ted, every other Sunday.

However, Barbara grew up in a family in which her parents were exceptionally close and never did anything without each other. She believes that her partner is her best friend as well as lover and roommate. Since Adam and Barbara have the weekends off together, she is growing to resent Adam’s playtime with the boys. While Adam is off with his friends, she either sits at home alone or goes on outings with friends and family. But the problem is that most of her friends have marriages in which their own families come first, so they are often too busy to commit to her. And, her family is always asking where Adam is.

Barbara begins to regularly demand that Adam spend less time with the boys. Adam grows resentful of this and tells her that she’s being “codependent”. This escalates into a regular series of arguments in which Barbara nags ineffectively, and Adam dismisses her concerns. Barbara says that she never would have agreed to get married if she’d known that she was going to be neglected. Adam says that he would never have married Barbara if he’d known that she was going to change overnight. Neither one wants a divorce, because it’s against their religious beliefs.

Are Barbara and Adam “codependent”? No. It’s more complex than “codependency.” First, both partners need to work on their communication skills and should learn the art of compromise and conflict resolution.

Adam is currently being selfish and inflexible. He made the vow to Barbara that he was going to forsake all others, but he isn’t doing so.

Barbara is also being unfair. She allowed Adam to blithely walk into the marriage under the assumption that no changes were expected. Perhaps this was unconscious on Barbara’s part, but if there is poor communication in a relationship, both partners need to take responsibility for it.

To their credit, Adam and Barbara were devoted, not codependent. They chose to put each other’s needs and desires before their own, and worked out a healthy compromise. Barbara is now taking golfing lessons and driving the cart when Adam and the boys go golfing, which they now only do once a month. And when Adam goes fishing with Ted, they bring their wives along or they cut the trip short so that Adam can spend some quality time with Barbara.

There are couples like Adam and Barbara that are misdiagnosed as “codependent”. But if these couples hide behind such pop-psychology, and don’t get to the root of their problems, their marriages are doomed to fail.

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It seems that we are so quick to hang the co-dependent label on anyone who exhibits any level of devotion or loyalty to others, without giving consideration to many other underlying factors in relationship(s). Yes, there are healthy and unhealthy levels of relying on others but in our society there is such a push for faster, better and more, as well as, individually taking on so much, that independence is pushed to the point that being emotionally connected is becoming a sign of “weakness” and something undesirable.It is the weak who are cruel and emotionally detached, the strong and independent are the gentle ones.

There is such a push to “suck it up” and “stop whining”, which in these times of constant pressure and less free time, just contribute to our sense of disconnect and feeling an inability to measure up (besides just being heartless comments). As human beings, one of our most basic needs is our need to belong and feel needed…not just physically but psychologically.

Social psychologists have studied our need for belonging and one of the most famous studies on this subject was done by Abraham Maslow. Maslow proposed that this human need to belong was one of the five basic needs required for self-actualization. In fact, after physiological needs (like food and sleep) and safety needs, he ranked the need for belonging as the next level up in his “Hierarchy of Needs”.

In relationship coaching, there are no labels or assumptions made by the coach, as to what the client is, as they communicate. The client and their agenda is approached with objectivity and positive regard.

From Therapy to Coaching - My Experience

Finally! I'm getting this thing going! What started out as sharing my story on www.a-ready-heart.blogspot.com, has evolved to this blog where I will concentrate more on topics related to relationships and becoming who YOU are comfortable with and most wanting (and needing) to be! The only way I know how to relate is by sharing things I have learned in my own relationships, whether it be marriage, friendship, family, etc. I'm pretty open and honest. I don't believe I have anything to be ashamed of...we all have more in common and make a lot of the same mistakes, than we often admit.

The great thing about coaching is being able to use self-disclosure to show that I have been there...I know how things can seem insurmountable and incredibly unfair (and sometimes they ARE). The toughest thing I had to learn, among many things, was I only had myself. Sure we all have to learn that but it's usually from a launching point of a home base, with the support of some family. Some of us didn't have that. I had to be self-assured, be my own cheerleader; to re-script all of the negativity and labels that I heard about myself growing up; to address every single negative word or statement that I said to myself; to treat myself with kindness when addressing any mistake or weakness that had me stumbling on my way to being the best person I can be. Yet, in being kind, I had to be sure that I wasn't making excuses for not moving forward. I didn't want to become complacent, break a little too long. Basically, I had to learn how to parent myself because, essentially my parents could not. I had to do it all while parenting 3 little children and in a marriage in big trouble. That's not an insult to anyone, it's just the reality of it all. 

That's a really tall order but I did it!!

 I did the toughest work over the course of about the last 3 years, on my own. I read anything I could get my hands on to understand myself and not knock myself for anything. If it was critical, I didn't read it. It had to have compassion and encouragement, yet not treat me as if I was broken. For a while I jumped from counselor to counselor, to psychologist to psychiatrist for my marriage but it was ultimately the work that I chose to do and only my judgment that I truly trusted, over anyone and anything else, that really made ALL of the difference (years and years before, I worked with a psychologist about my child abuse issues).

 I do have one counselor now, who I finally found that I can trust, she happens to work with the kids. She acts like a coach herself, treating me as an equal and totally respecting how hard I work on myself. She also assured me that the "professionals" I had gone to and rightly ditched, had hurt more than helped. She knows I don't need to be fixed but to be validated and encouraged, moving through all that has happened with my marriage and it coming to an end. I do not need or want to focus, any more, on my past.

I'm still always going to be improving but I've come through the very toughest parts now and I have a clear sight on what I'm fighting for...to be as open and honest as I can and accept who I am, while never being a victim. In being so open about my life, it has brought a lot of support and sharing from friends but it has also brought out some behavior in others that allowed me to test my ability to set some strong limits for what I will tolerate from others, no matter who they are. I discovered my tolerance is very low for disrespect and I love it, I have much more self respect than I ever imagined!

I'm so excited to be able to share what I thought I had to do on my own. If only I had known about coaching, I was so disillusioned with the lack of support and disrespect I kept getting. I would go in so motivated and excited to move forward, anxious to be encouraged and learn how to cultivate what I already knew, yet I'd leave very frustrated and shut down. I had no freedom over my own life. That was no way to move forward. I was looking for help in the wrong profession.