Support Systems Are Crucial To Good Relationship Communication

"None of us has gotten where we are solely by pulling ourselves up from our own bootstraps. We got here because somebody bent down and helped us. ~Thurgood Marshall

Good communication skills are essential to long term relationships but when a relationship is lacking in even the most basic outside support and a couple relies solely on each other for everything, anyone can easily succumb to impatience, blaming, negativity, etc. Not getting adequate support and/or perspective from others, outside of the relationship, the inevitable stress and pressure can be absolutely overwhelming. If either one of the couple is suffering any sort of depression or any other mental health or physical problems, this too can intensify the everyday stress we already have.

Men are conditioned in our society to take on everything (as a woman, I realize we expect ourselves to do much the same but for the sake of this article, I am speaking of men). I felt this was a very important post to write because I have been in just such a very difficult situation, watching men I cared about, take more and more on, with no intentions of letting any help in. Asking for help can be felt as a sign of weakness. It's not! It is definitely a sign of courage and strength to say, "This is my limit. I am no good to anyone, if I am emotionally and physically, spent."

Practice humility before truly getting to a point at which people would have a very hard time helping you up. That is something to consider right there, don't let it get so far because others would have to work twice as hard to help you. Personally, that is what keeps me from waiting too long to ask...one thing my father taught me, as troubled as he was, "Speak up, don't wait too long or it's harder on others to help you." Don't wait until things feel completely out of control. It's that much harder to pick yourself up, especially when you know that other people are counting on you. Your intentions for not asking may seem noble but remember the old saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

Sometimes you have to work extra hard to find support when you're already very tired and overwhelmed. It certainly can be very frustrating, especially in our day and age when people aren't as readily available and willing to get to know each other, as in past decades. Add to that, the pressure of being a parent, spouse, provider of care for an elderly relative, etc. Reaching out to those closest to you, is a first step. The internet and phone has helped me greatly but personally, I find person-to-person contact still means a lot more. If you are independent like me that can be tough because you don't want to burden anyone. You are not burdening anyone, everyone has their limits and it's wise to know when you've reached yours. If there is little or no family to help, then look at friendships, relationships you have established through work connections or even those through groups you've involved yourself with, in the community, or in your own neighborhood.

Reaching out to a mental health counselor or life coach that you trust is also helpful and important. Ask others for advice (you don't necessarily have to divulge a lot of personal information up front), people are flattered and usually very willing to give their perspective on things. As human beings, we want to be needed. Even if you've never been a particularly religious person, some of those organizations are very welcoming and can provide a lot of emotional and/or financial support. The bottom line is, you just have to open your mouth and be honest, there is no shame in saying, "I need a hand here."

It's important to remember if you do not feel comfortable with the help you're getting, don't feel obliged. It's one thing if it's financial help but for someone to talk to, if you don't feel heard, you don't owe the person anything and if they truly care, they won't make it difficult on you. A quote that's very important to me, came from my sister, "True authority builds you up." Simply put, someone who really knows what they're talking about, will help you feel better about yourself, not worse. You shouldn't be left feeling ashamed or guilty. You know the people I'm talking about, there's the ones who, after talking to them, you leave feeling energized and really great about life in general and then there's the others....after talking to them, you leave feeling bad about yourself or that you haven't done enough. Don't do that to yourself, you don't deserve to feel bad when you're trying to get back on your feet.

Just being around people who assure you they know how you feel (read up on the concept of "mirroring" to understand how such a simple concept can mean a lot to someone who is struggling), can work wonders more than any material things could ever do. You would be surprised how many people you might get if you dare to start your own group. There are many ways to get others with similar problems, together. Free, or low cost meeting facilities are easy to find (library, community centers, clubhouses). The function of a peer-to-peer support group is people sharing feelings and information. Peer-to-peer means those who are in the same boat. Support groups are about helping one another with emotional support, not about finding cures or research, unless of course, you wish to do so but I'm talking about emotional support. The bottom line is, don't let fear, pride or apprehension stop you from reaching out! The most intelligent, attractive and successful men, have come to be that way, by allowing help from others, into their lives.

Communicating Constructively

*From the website of Wright State University: 
http://www.wright.edu/~scott.williams/skills/communicating.htm#The

*I chose this article as it may be especially interesting to men; it targets sports teams and their management but can be easily transferred to other relationships in our lives. It may not be the most compassionate communication or necessarily reflective of what is needed in more romantic relationships but I think it is an interesting article with helpful tools for friendships of both sexes and for work relationships.

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The Eight Attributes of Constructive Communication

        Constructive communication is very helpful when coaching or counseling a member of your staff.  A poorly handled discussion of a staff member's performance can easily lead to defensiveness and even outright rejection of any suggestions for improvement.


 1.      Problem oriented, not person oriented.  Problem-oriented communication focuses on a problem that can be solved rather than the person who is responsible for the problem.  An example of problem-oriented communication is if a coach were to tell a pitcher, "The best way to get ahead in the count is by throwing a first-pitch fastball."  On the other hand, an example of person-oriented communication would be, "You've been throwing too many first-pitch breaking balls."  Person-oriented communication puts the listener on the defensive and focuses the attention on blame rather than on avoiding or solving future problems.


 2.      Congruent, not incongruent.  Congruent communication conveys what the speaker is thinking and feeling.  There are definitely situations where discretion is a more appropriate choice than full disclosure of what we think and feel.  However, in most communication situations, we communicate more effectively when we're candid.  If we aren't honest, listeners won't trust what we say.  A common example of incongruent communication is saying that "it's no big deal" or "I don't mind" when you are in fact discussing an important issue.  We're constructive when we use congruent communication because we're giving the other party the truth rather than misleading them.


3.        Descriptive, not evaluative.  Evaluative communication expresses judgment of the listener, or his or her actions.  To be an effective constructive communicator, we should objectively describe problems rather than speak in an evaluative manner.  An example of a blatantly evaluative statement would be, "It's stupid to throw so many first pitch breaking balls."  Evaluative communication puts the listener on the defensive.  It's more descriptive and therefore more constructive to say, "You'll have more success if you consistently get your first pitch over for a strike."


4.        Validating, not invalidating.  Validating communication helps people feel understood, valued, and accepted.  In contrast, invalidating communication treats people as if they are ignored, worthless, or alienated.  Invalidating communication is superiority-oriented, rigid, impervious and/or indifferent.  For instance, consider the following examples of possible invalidating responses to the catcher's statement, "I thought it would be a good idea to call a lot of breaking balls today because they had trouble hitting them last night."

• "Look, coaches coach and catchers catch, so just do what I've asked," is an example of superiority-oriented communication.

• "As I said, use a first pitch fastball to get ahead in the count," is an example of rigidity.

• "Well, I guess you thought wrong," is an example of imperviousness.

• "I also don't want you talking to the umpire so much about his strike zone," is an example of indifference, because it ignores the catcher's comment altogether.

        Validating communication avoids treating the listener like a lesser person or being inflexible, impervious or indifferent.  Validating communication shows respect for the other party's thoughts and feelings, even when there's disagreement.  One of the most effective ways of doing that is by finding a point of agreement.  For instance, the coach could have said, "Yes, it definitely does make sense to throw breaking balls today.  But, the breaking balls will be even more effective if you get ahead in the count first."


5.        Specific, not global.  There are two key drawbacks to global statements of problems; they're often too large to be resolved and they tend to oversimplify and misrepresent problems.  For instance, if the coach were to say to the catcher, "You're calling all the wrong pitches," the comment is too general to be accurate and helpful.  First, even if the catcher is having a bad game, some of the pitches must be right, even if that's just by coincidence.  So, that global statement is wrong, and that kind of inaccuracy adds fuel to the defensiveness.  Second, it doesn't tell the catcher what he should do to improve.  Maybe he can figure it out, but a more specific statement would explain what the coach expects in the future.  A more specific statement would be, "In order to get ahead in the count, we need to have our pitchers throw more first pitch fastballs."


6.        Conjunctive, not disjunctive.  Disjunctive communication takes at least three forms; not letting the other party speak, long pauses, and switching topics.  Disjunctive communication can result in the other party thinking that their input is not being considered.


 7.       Owned, not disowned.  When we "own" our communication, we take responsibility for our statements and acknowledge that we are the source of the ideas conveyed and not someone else.  We "disown" communication when we search for third parties to attribute our comments to.  For instance, if the coach would have said, "The manager wants you to call more first pitch fastballs," he would have disowned the communication.  We have more respect for a person who will be accountable for the requests they make.


  8.      Listening, not one-way message delivery.  Effective listening is actively absorbing the information given to you by a speaker, showing that you are listening and interested, and providing feedback to the speaker so that he or she knows the message was received.  Effective listening is often taken for granted, but it's a valuable managerial tool.

How The Co-Dependency Label Is Misused

How the Codependency Movement is Ruining Relationships and Dismissing the Real Issues

(This post is not completely authored by me but some was taken from a mental health counselors blog. No name was given by the author but the blog is called, "Saurly Yours".)

I came upon an article which seems to be the only one on the subject of co-dependency and how it might be actually hurting people more than it helps. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that feels that this topic is simplifying what, many times, is actually a deeper subject. When attempting to explain why I couldn't immediately get out of an abusive situation, I, myself was once handed one of Melody Beattie’s books and told to read up on co-dependency and "do the work". The first thing I thought was what a slap in the face it was, to have what I needed to talk about and get some validation on, be summed up so quickly and dismissed.

Co-dependency has become an accepted and convenient diagnosis. It was popularized in Melody Beattie’s books “Co-dependent No More” and “Beyond Codependency.” 

Although codependency is a favorite pop-psychology term, it is not listed in the DSM-IV-TR diagnostic statistical manual, which is an industry standard for the American Psychiatric Association. In fact, many mental health professionals do not believe that it exists. This label originally came from the 12-Step Program, and is usually used to excuse away bad choices and behaviors. "Oh, I can't help it," it is often said or implied. "I'm a co-dependent."

I was counseling an unhappy wife one day. She had already admitted that the difficulties were not coming from her husband. "I have a codependency issue," she said glibly to me.

"No," I assured her firmly, much to her surprise. "You don't!"

Codependency does not exist. However, it is an “easy” diagnosis that most people prefer (including diagnosticians), because it often allows them to avoid confronting true inner conflicts. People who are misdiagnosed with co-dependency seem to fall into two categories: These 2 categories are where I completely agree with the author.

1. UNHEALTHY: This person is troubled. He’s in a toxic relationship due to his own mixture of unhealthy practices, values, and beliefs which he has formed that prevents him from living a happy and productive life.

2. HEALTHY: This person may have some mild issues that she's dealing with. However, she is mistakenly diagnosed as "codependent" when the root cause could be something completely different. Often, the source of her problems might be anxiety or depression or other troubles that can be solved with medication and/or counseling. When she is treated successfully for the underlying cause(s), her "codependency" is solved.

Sometimes a perfectly healthy individual (with no issues whatsoever but old-fashioned loyalty and fidelity) might be mislabeled as codependent. It becomes a risky diagnosis, because levels of loyalty and love vary from one person to the next. Who dares to measure how "healthy" it is to love deeply and love well? Mind you, I'm not addressing obsessive preoccupation with a loved one i.e. borderline personalty disorder: I'm saying that many different people experience many different degrees of love. Devotion in a relationship should not be automatically labeled as "codependent".

It is very possible for a primarily healthy person to find herself in a relationship with an unhealthy person. Both partners may be misdiagnosed as codependent, when the situation is much more complicated than that.

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Let me illustrate this:
 

Adam and Barbara have only been married for a short time. Each of them came into the marriage with a certain set of expectations and preconceptions. Adam assumed that marriage was merely a continuation of their dating relationship. He still expects to tee-off with the boys every Saturday morning and go fishing with his best friend, Ted, every other Sunday.

However, Barbara grew up in a family in which her parents were exceptionally close and never did anything without each other. She believes that her partner is her best friend as well as lover and roommate. Since Adam and Barbara have the weekends off together, she is growing to resent Adam’s playtime with the boys. While Adam is off with his friends, she either sits at home alone or goes on outings with friends and family. But the problem is that most of her friends have marriages in which their own families come first, so they are often too busy to commit to her. And, her family is always asking where Adam is.

Barbara begins to regularly demand that Adam spend less time with the boys. Adam grows resentful of this and tells her that she’s being “codependent”. This escalates into a regular series of arguments in which Barbara nags ineffectively, and Adam dismisses her concerns. Barbara says that she never would have agreed to get married if she’d known that she was going to be neglected. Adam says that he would never have married Barbara if he’d known that she was going to change overnight. Neither one wants a divorce, because it’s against their religious beliefs.

Are Barbara and Adam “codependent”? No. It’s more complex than “codependency.” First, both partners need to work on their communication skills and should learn the art of compromise and conflict resolution.

Adam is currently being selfish and inflexible. He made the vow to Barbara that he was going to forsake all others, but he isn’t doing so.

Barbara is also being unfair. She allowed Adam to blithely walk into the marriage under the assumption that no changes were expected. Perhaps this was unconscious on Barbara’s part, but if there is poor communication in a relationship, both partners need to take responsibility for it.

To their credit, Adam and Barbara were devoted, not codependent. They chose to put each other’s needs and desires before their own, and worked out a healthy compromise. Barbara is now taking golfing lessons and driving the cart when Adam and the boys go golfing, which they now only do once a month. And when Adam goes fishing with Ted, they bring their wives along or they cut the trip short so that Adam can spend some quality time with Barbara.

There are couples like Adam and Barbara that are misdiagnosed as “codependent”. But if these couples hide behind such pop-psychology, and don’t get to the root of their problems, their marriages are doomed to fail.

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It seems that we are so quick to hang the co-dependent label on anyone who exhibits any level of devotion or loyalty to others, without giving consideration to many other underlying factors in relationship(s). Yes, there are healthy and unhealthy levels of relying on others but in our society there is such a push for faster, better and more, as well as, individually taking on so much, that independence is pushed to the point that being emotionally connected is becoming a sign of “weakness” and something undesirable.It is the weak who are cruel and emotionally detached, the strong and independent are the gentle ones.

There is such a push to “suck it up” and “stop whining”, which in these times of constant pressure and less free time, just contribute to our sense of disconnect and feeling an inability to measure up (besides just being heartless comments). As human beings, one of our most basic needs is our need to belong and feel needed…not just physically but psychologically.

Social psychologists have studied our need for belonging and one of the most famous studies on this subject was done by Abraham Maslow. Maslow proposed that this human need to belong was one of the five basic needs required for self-actualization. In fact, after physiological needs (like food and sleep) and safety needs, he ranked the need for belonging as the next level up in his “Hierarchy of Needs”.

In relationship coaching, there are no labels or assumptions made by the coach, as to what the client is, as they communicate. The client and their agenda is approached with objectivity and positive regard.