Gratitude in Marriage

Practice Gratitude In Your Marriage

by Erin Grace D’Acunto

 Long-term studies support gratitude’s effectiveness, suggesting that a positive, appreciative attitude contributes to greater success in many areas, including marriages.

While we may acknowledge gratitude’s many benefits, it still can be difficult to sustain. Many of us have been inadvertently “trained” to more quickly notice what is broken or lacking in our lives. The negative tends to stand out and be remembered much more rapidly and easily than the positive. Think of any negative experience (i.e. at a restaurant) and then think of a positive experience. Unless the positive experience is far beyond other positive experiences you’ve had, (when dining out), most people will be quick to tell about a negative experience before the positive one.   

For gratitude to meet its full healing potential in our lives, we have to learn a new way of looking at things; a new habit. That can take some time. I have personally done it and no, it does not happen quickly. Any changes in ways of thinking literally have to make new paths in your brain. Like walking through the woods, you have to travel the same spot repeatedly, to leave an imprint.

My change came about because of the extreme, emotionally trying circumstances I was living in, in my own marriage. My situation gave me very little to be happy about. It was during that time that I had 2 choices, be miserable and see life as “owing” me something (like the people who were around me) or look for goodness everywhere and be thankful for what I have been given. I don’t give up without a fight, so the latter was the only option for me. I found myself going from a negative thinker to a positive thinker. I managed to slowly forge another path by catching myself in the negative moment and telling myself to find some good in it. While I wasn't able to get my spouse to adopt my way of finding gratitude, it has helped me to move through some very difficult times, made my journey less dark and the future more positive.

Some have said, “Maybe you made it through because of your circumstances.” No, I do not give credit to an abusive situation. I made it through in spite of my circumstances and I certainly don’t give credit to abusive people.

When we practice giving thanks for all we have, instead of complaining about what we lack, we give ourselves the chance to see all of life as an opportunity and a blessing. We are not entitled to have things; learn to appreciate.

Of course gratitude isn’t a blindly optimistic approach in which the bad things in life are glossed over or ignored, it’s more a matter of where we put our focus and attention. Pain and injustice exist in this world, but when we focus on the gifts of life, we gain a feeling of well-being. Gratitude balances us and gives us hope.

There are many things to be grateful for: your wife, family, colorful autumn leaves, legs that work, friends, a place to live, a job, food to eat, warm jackets, the ability to read, your health. What’s on your list?

Ways to Practice Gratitude

• Keep a gratitude journal or a list that is visible to you, every day. List things for which you are thankful.  Make daily, weekly or monthly lists. Greater frequency may be better for creating a new habit, but just keeping that journal or list where you can see it, will remind you to think in a grateful way.

• Make a gratitude montage or book by drawing or compiling pictures.

• Practice gratitude as part of your nighttime routine for yourself and your wife, or, if you have them, with your children. Practice it around the dinner table. The sincerity can be very touching to others.

• Find the hidden blessing or learning experience in a challenging situation.

• Notice how gratitude is impacting your life. Write about it, express thanks for gratitude.

As you practice, an inner shift begins to occur, and you may be pleased to discover how content and hopeful you are feeling. That sense of fulfillment is gratitude at work. It is a great way to learn humility and to be a much happier person, all around.

                                                                 

                     

© 2012 LifeSights.us

Coping with the End of a Relationship

by Erin Grace D'Acunto

 Facing the end of a  relationship is stressful, no matter how maturely both people handle it. When there's children and years of history, extended family, etc. it drags out the pain. I've been through a very rough breakup, in particular. 

•  Take an honest look at yourself. What are your strengths, weaknesses? How did those positively or negatively influence your situation?  What went wrong or right? What could you have done better? What worked really well?

• Step up your self-care, take time to focus on who you are. Major changes are physically and emotionally taxing. You need self-care and support now, more than ever. It may be devastating right now but life does go on and there is always a way out and up. 

•  Focus on what you want, and less on what you don’t want. Keep your eye on the future. If  assertiveness or good boundaries was a problem for you in the past, start working on improving them.

•   Find support. Since your transition affects your family as well, it may be better to seek the outside support of friends or professionals. Surround yourself with positive activities and people. Know your limits with how much you can take on and what well meaning words you want to consider from others. I'm guilty of isolating myself and not wanting to bother others or hear their "2 cents"...it's not healthy. Be clear with others if you don't want to discuss things but don't avoid people who care for you. There's nothing "weak" about saying you need help, just the opposite.  

• Work on your thoughts. Calm your fears and reinforce your sense of hope and happiness. Force yourself to smile at people (yes force...in time, it becomes easier), hold a door or give a compliment, even when you don't feel like it. It can become a habit and lift your mood. You have control over this in your life, it is a choice. However, I'm not saying to sugar coat your situation.

•  Reassure (or avoid) those who are threatened by, critical, or jealous of, the change. It surprised me how many people wanted to see my situation as an "it takes two" scenario, when it was much more serious and deeper than that. You don't need people trying to tell you how to feel and what you "should have" done.

•  Create your own rite of passage, take time to vent. Ceremony and ritual help with all transitions. Have fun with it. If you feel overwhelmed with anger or sadness, go someplace isolated (I go in my car) and yell, curse, whatever you need to do to get it out. My car has heard it all. =)

•   Let go of how things were “supposed to be” and work to accept “how things are.” Find appreciation for what is. This is a tough one because endings aren't always done and over with quickly. Avoid the radio or listen to upbeat music or fun commentary, that's what I did and still do. I want happiness and hope in my life.

•  Keep things in perspective. Or try on a new perspective. Don’t get stuck. Remember, the only constant is change. There's so many people in the world, someone is out there...

 Copyright 2012 LifeSights.us

Assertiveness Without Alienating

Asking for what you want and setting boundaries for what you don’t, is essential for good communication. Sometimes though, in practicing this skill, we over-do the assertiveness and end up making someone angry, feeling resentful or shutting down.

Below are four tips for developing your assertiveness that will actually strengthen, deepen and enrich relationships:

 1. Be Clear

Being assertive starts with knowing what you are and aren’t; what you’re willing to be, do, or to have. For many, that’s a monumental task in itself. Here, it may help to ask: “In an ideal world, what would I like to happen?” Focusing on an ideal outcome opens our minds, prevents us from becoming too passive or falling into “victim-thinking.” It helps us get really clear on what we want and don’t want. (Personally, it’s one question I very often ask my clients, in order to get to the heart of what they want.)

 2. Set Boundaries

Once you know what outcome you need (or want), share it. Pay attention to the way stating your boundary feels in your body. With practice, you can actually sense when you’ve got it right for you. It can feel great, even exhilarating, to express your needs or desires out loud. Phrases like “such and such doesn’t work for me” are simple ways of being assertive while maintaining  a connection. (I’ve done it myself and it truly is an amazing feeling.)

 3. Make a Habit of Stating Your Needs and Wants

Exercise being assertive. Practice speaking up daily, about things big and small. When you speak up about “smaller” things, others get used to the assertiveness. It becomes easier for you to practice and for others to hear. The best part is, when bigger issues come along, there already will be a healthy process in place for dealing with differences and there will be greater confidence in the resilience of your relationships.

 4. Give as Much as You Get

If you want your boundaries to be respected, respect those of others. When it comes to following through on a reasonable request, actions do speak louder than words.

*Finally, if you find that your assertiveness is consistently being met with defensiveness or disrespect, it may be time to re-evaluate the value of the relationship and, if it is a marriage or romantic relationship, you may find it helpful to speak with a professional counselor or coach.

 © 2012 LifeSights.us