Coping with the End of a Relationship

by Erin Grace D'Acunto

 Facing the end of a  relationship is stressful, no matter how maturely both people handle it. When there's children and years of history, extended family, etc. it drags out the pain. I've been through a very rough breakup, in particular. 

•  Take an honest look at yourself. What are your strengths, weaknesses? How did those positively or negatively influence your situation?  What went wrong or right? What could you have done better? What worked really well?

• Step up your self-care, take time to focus on who you are. Major changes are physically and emotionally taxing. You need self-care and support now, more than ever. It may be devastating right now but life does go on and there is always a way out and up. 

•  Focus on what you want, and less on what you don’t want. Keep your eye on the future. If  assertiveness or good boundaries was a problem for you in the past, start working on improving them.

•   Find support. Since your transition affects your family as well, it may be better to seek the outside support of friends or professionals. Surround yourself with positive activities and people. Know your limits with how much you can take on and what well meaning words you want to consider from others. I'm guilty of isolating myself and not wanting to bother others or hear their "2 cents"...it's not healthy. Be clear with others if you don't want to discuss things but don't avoid people who care for you. There's nothing "weak" about saying you need help, just the opposite.  

• Work on your thoughts. Calm your fears and reinforce your sense of hope and happiness. Force yourself to smile at people (yes force...in time, it becomes easier), hold a door or give a compliment, even when you don't feel like it. It can become a habit and lift your mood. You have control over this in your life, it is a choice. However, I'm not saying to sugar coat your situation.

•  Reassure (or avoid) those who are threatened by, critical, or jealous of, the change. It surprised me how many people wanted to see my situation as an "it takes two" scenario, when it was much more serious and deeper than that. You don't need people trying to tell you how to feel and what you "should have" done.

•  Create your own rite of passage, take time to vent. Ceremony and ritual help with all transitions. Have fun with it. If you feel overwhelmed with anger or sadness, go someplace isolated (I go in my car) and yell, curse, whatever you need to do to get it out. My car has heard it all. =)

•   Let go of how things were “supposed to be” and work to accept “how things are.” Find appreciation for what is. This is a tough one because endings aren't always done and over with quickly. Avoid the radio or listen to upbeat music or fun commentary, that's what I did and still do. I want happiness and hope in my life.

•  Keep things in perspective. Or try on a new perspective. Don’t get stuck. Remember, the only constant is change. There's so many people in the world, someone is out there...

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