The "Identified Patient"
The "Identified Patient" is a term describing an individual, in a dysfunctional family who:
1) Gets scapegoated and blamed for a family's problems2) Has emotional problems that are not a mental illness, but a normal response to the stress of dealing with an unhealthy family in denial.
3) Blows the whistle on a dysfunctional family's problems
The phrase originated because family therapists recognized that the person "identified" as the patient is not necessarily the one who is sick.
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Does this sound like you? This is a quite common occurrence. I was this person, at one point in my marriage. I believed what the people around me were saying, when I tried to speak up about how I felt about the way I was being treated. Instead of hearing anyone validating my feelings or concerns, the focus was put back on me that there must be something wrong because "How could I feel that way about them, they are not doing anything wrong?" and because these were people who were supposed to love and care about me, I believed them. I actually allowed doctors to put me on medication for what they "suspected" I may have, which it turns out I had nothing "wrong" with me. My feelings were being used to cover up for how many problems there were with the people around me. I wan't stupid or naive, it was all I knew from how I had grown up.
I finally became aware of what was going on and made some dramatic changes. I no longer trusted what the people around me said about me. I trusted only how I felt and what I knew to be true because it was true. It was them, not me. I was raised not to trust myself by parents who did not trust themselves either but put the blame on everyone else to cover it up. That was the one crucial thing I had to learn. The people I thought cared about me in the right ways, were so similar to my family of origin, that I was putting trust in the wrong hands.
Unfortunately, people can and do try to say you sound paranoid or delusional. At the nastiest points, I was told that quite a bit, when I was becoming quite confident that it wasn't me, but the person who was supposed to love me. It's not paranoia if it is really happening. Remember that. Don't fall into the trap that if someone denies it long and hard enough, that it could really be you.
Does this sound like what happens with long interrogations? That's what happens, it breaks you down. So when people ask, "How could you admit it was you?" It happens! Especially when you're under stress and there are people around you that you are supposed to be able to trust. After all, why would they lie to you? Lots of reasons, actually. Believe me, people can lie and deny what you just heard with your own ears, just minutes ago. It's called "crazy making" behavior and you have to stop questioning them, to get validation of what they just said or did. Believe you. Believe your own ears. I've grown up around some very good liars and have learned to be very accountable for my own behavior because of that. It disgusts me when I realized that my own family and those who claimed to care about me later on in life (except for my sister), were not really concerned about me, as much as using me to cover up their own bad behavior.
People who really have the best intentions for you will listen to you and take what you say into consideration, if they are respecting how you wish to live and to be treated. Anyone who is so willing to let everything fall onto you, even when you have protested, does not have your best interests at heart. They may outwardly say, "Oh I'm just concerned for their well being." but they're happy to turn the light on you, in order to take negative light off of themselves. It is very serious to encourage someone to get help for something, when it is more for their benefit than their loved one's own benefit and believe me, they'll not admit it but with manipulative people, they'll do anything to retain an image and tarnish yours. Even if it hurts them in the end. I've seen manipulators in my own family, hurt themselves financially, if it meant that someone else would be hindered. It makes no sense. The sad part is, many doctors and therapists don't know because the "patient" comes in with "support" from those closest to them. It seems to be honest concern but if the doctor had listened to me and had taken me aside and asked some probing questions, it would have been fairly easy to see what was going on. Sadly, many just don't have the time or concern. I wasn't asked about what was going on with the people around me.
As a Life Coach in this area, I ask a lot of questions but I listen for over-accountability on the part of my clients and what is going on with those closest to them. I'm for the client, not against anyone. Who the client chooses to associate with is their business. One goal, among others, is to live honestly with yourself.
*It's about the truth within your value system. It's about the truth as you choose to live it.*
