Article created with content from emotionalcompetency.com
When someone turns to us, as a source of help or support, it can help to distinguish whether you wish to make that person happy with what they hear from you, or whether you want to truly help them (another issue that comes up is whether you really want to help them or get them to believe your values are what they should think about).
Pleasing may not be Helping
You can please someone by assisting them in satisfying an impulse but you may be indulging them rather than helping them.
To help someone, you have to assist them in acting consistently with their *values. That may be much more difficult. This takes deep listening and reminding yourself it isn't about you and your values. If something arises that seems to go against what they believe, you can ask non-judgmental questions to enlighten the person on where they may be acting counter to their values. This is the distinction between short-term pleasure and long-term gratification.
Values are:
What is important to you?
What is not so important?
What are your priorities?
What really ticks you off?
What is worth defending and protecting?
As a coach, I am not hired to please someone, with what they hear from me (unless they aren't getting enough support, then they need to feel uplifted and encouraged), as much as, getting them to their goals while remaining consistent with their values. To do this, I have to ask a lot of questions to understand the clients values. When people ask you questions, try to determine whether they are asking in order to help, be nosy or simply give you what you want to hear.
© LifeSights 2012
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