"None of us has gotten where we are solely by pulling ourselves up from our own bootstraps. We got here because somebody bent down and helped us. ~Thurgood Marshall
Good communication skills are essential to long term relationships but when a relationship is lacking in even the most basic outside support and a couple relies solely on each other for everything, anyone can easily succumb to impatience, blaming, negativity, etc. Not getting adequate support and/or perspective from others, outside of the relationship, the inevitable stress and pressure can be absolutely overwhelming. If either one of the couple is suffering any sort of depression or any other mental health or physical problems, this too can intensify the everyday stress we already have.
Men are conditioned in our society to take on everything (as a woman, I realize we expect ourselves to do much the same but for the sake of this article, I am speaking of men). I felt this was a very important post to write because I have been in just such a very difficult situation, watching men I cared about, take more and more on, with no intentions of letting any help in. Asking for help can be felt as a sign of weakness. It's not! It is definitely a sign of courage and strength to say, "This is my limit. I am no good to anyone, if I am emotionally and physically, spent."
Practice humility before truly getting to a point at which people would have a very hard time helping you up. That is something to consider right there, don't let it get so far because others would have to work twice as hard to help you. Personally, that is what keeps me from waiting too long to ask...one thing my father taught me, as troubled as he was, "Speak up, don't wait too long or it's harder on others to help you." Don't wait until things feel completely out of control. It's that much harder to pick yourself up, especially when you know that other people are counting on you. Your intentions for not asking may seem noble but remember the old saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
Sometimes you have to work extra hard to find support when you're already very tired and overwhelmed. It certainly can be very frustrating, especially in our day and age when people aren't as readily available and willing to get to know each other, as in past decades. Add to that, the pressure of being a parent, spouse, provider of care for an elderly relative, etc. Reaching out to those closest to you, is a first step. The internet and phone has helped me greatly but personally, I find person-to-person contact still means a lot more. If you are independent like me that can be tough because you don't want to burden anyone. You are not burdening anyone, everyone has their limits and it's wise to know when you've reached yours. If there is little or no family to help, then look at friendships, relationships you have established through work connections or even those through groups you've involved yourself with, in the community, or in your own neighborhood.
Reaching out to a mental health counselor or life coach that you trust is also helpful and important. Ask others for advice (you don't necessarily have to divulge a lot of personal information up front), people are flattered and usually very willing to give their perspective on things. As human beings, we want to be needed. Even if you've never been a particularly religious person, some of those organizations are very welcoming and can provide a lot of emotional and/or financial support. The bottom line is, you just have to open your mouth and be honest, there is no shame in saying, "I need a hand here."
It's important to remember if you do not feel comfortable with the help you're getting, don't feel obliged. It's one thing if it's financial help but for someone to talk to, if you don't feel heard, you don't owe the person anything and if they truly care, they won't make it difficult on you. A quote that's very important to me, came from my sister, "True authority builds you up." Simply put, someone who really knows what they're talking about, will help you feel better about yourself, not worse. You shouldn't be left feeling ashamed or guilty. You know the people I'm talking about, there's the ones who, after talking to them, you leave feeling energized and really great about life in general and then there's the others....after talking to them, you leave feeling bad about yourself or that you haven't done enough. Don't do that to yourself, you don't deserve to feel bad when you're trying to get back on your feet.
Just being around people who assure you they know how you feel (read up on the concept of "mirroring" to understand how such a simple concept can mean a lot to someone who is struggling), can work wonders more than any material things could ever do. You would be surprised how many people you might get if you dare to start your own group. There are many ways to get others with similar problems, together. Free, or low cost meeting facilities are easy to find (library, community centers, clubhouses). The function of a peer-to-peer support group is people sharing feelings and information. Peer-to-peer means those who are in the same boat. Support groups are about helping one another with emotional support, not about finding cures or research, unless of course, you wish to do so but I'm talking about emotional support. The bottom line is, don't let fear, pride or apprehension stop you from reaching out! The most intelligent, attractive and successful men, have come to be that way, by allowing help from others, into their lives.
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