*Men, keep in mind these are things I have learned from male friends, both married and unmarried (but in long-term relationships)....plus what I know that helps me and other female friends I have, when it comes to relationships and marriage*
#1
Touch (and compassion) make a difference to women, some men are afraid to reach out when their wife is upset, when actually the best thing to do is to touch her hand or put an arm around her. What you say is important, as well, but it doesn't have to be much. Unless she tells you to leave, don't walk away without saying anything, thinking that she needs to be left alone. As I've said before, I have heard from men that when women are upset, men have a tough time knowing what to do, just as much as what to say.
Sometimes people just want to vent their frustrations with their situation. Resist the urge to give her solutions when you'd be much better off listening. Many times men want to help by fixing or solving things for their partners. Men are very accustomed to problem solving, let me reassure you that this may very well not be one of those times. Listen for cues in the conversation that tells you she is just frustrated and obviously if she's upset with you, then it changes things! You know her better than anyone (I hope!)
#1
Touch (and compassion) make a difference to women, some men are afraid to reach out when their wife is upset, when actually the best thing to do is to touch her hand or put an arm around her. What you say is important, as well, but it doesn't have to be much. Unless she tells you to leave, don't walk away without saying anything, thinking that she needs to be left alone. As I've said before, I have heard from men that when women are upset, men have a tough time knowing what to do, just as much as what to say.Sometimes people just want to vent their frustrations with their situation. Resist the urge to give her solutions when you'd be much better off listening. Many times men want to help by fixing or solving things for their partners. Men are very accustomed to problem solving, let me reassure you that this may very well not be one of those times. Listen for cues in the conversation that tells you she is just frustrated and obviously if she's upset with you, then it changes things! You know her better than anyone (I hope!)
Women want someone who will listen and appear to
understand (if you don't "get it", it's okay). Women don't need someone who has all of the answers to what they are
venting about, they just want someone who will say
(sincerely), "Wow, I can't believe that happened!", "That's great!" or "That's terrible!" Don't be preoccupied with something else. People can tell when they don't have your full attention. Listen and make eye contact.
Women want someone to *mirror back what they are concerned, frustrated, sad, happy or angry about, that's why we turn to girlfriends so much because women are good at "mirroring". Women, of course, are very verbal (surprise, surprise), so we talk things out and it helps, even when we do most of the talking while the other person just listens. Most of us don't expect anyone to solve or fix our problems, we just want to know that you get where we're coming from, even if most times, you have a difficult time understanding all of it. Just make a genuine effort.
Keep these things in mind, when you think it matters the most and it can go a long way in improving communication.
As a coach, I have to really work on not assuming anything and not being judgmental. It's not as easy as you think. Generally, how we are raised, feeds our perspective on things. We all have our perspectives and our points of view and to not let them interfere with helping someone is sometimes quite difficult. In relationships, try very hard not to be judgmental and critical. In fact, be able to take criticism, even if you very much disagree. In the long run, it may not be anything you feel is important to change but try to listen, as you would expect her to, if you had a criticism of her. As with anyone/anything else, say that you will consider it...remember, it's not easy for her to say those things to someone she cares about, especially when she's risking making you angry or hurting you.
Be open and honest about yourself. Be authentic, be vulnerable, try to look her in the eyes or at least be near her. Tell her how you feel about something. Show your emotions without being overly needy and if it brings up strong emotions, reassure her that's okay, it's good for you, or you've got it under control. Don't be the judge of what she can handle and what she can't, she shouldn't need you to protect her from feelings.
We show vulnerability in many of the things we do, when we make a connection with someone as a friend, lover, or otherwise. Many of the mistakes we make when communicating with others, come down to the inability to show vulnerability but then there are some who show so much, so frequently and inappropriately, that they appear needy. In today's world, many people are becoming more and more emotionally shut off, as a society,we are very disconnected, closed off from our own and others feelings and emotions. Some vulnerability is good, we are not indestructible or robots but our society seems to be valuing disconnect from feeling, more than ever before. I think it is downright scary.
If you really having trouble talking to your wife, tell her. Most of us are compassionate and understanding. Most women do understand that we're different than men. We know that we're the more verbal ones, so please tell us if you're not sure what to say. Sit your wife down and tell her, OR, (my shameless plug but it's free for you, a valuable gift). Sign up on my website for "Husbands! Three Simple Ways To Meaningful Communication With Your Wife-Now!" www.lifesights.us Show your vulnerability. Any worthwhile woman will understand it's because you love her.Tell her if you're afraid of saying the wrong thing. I know a lot of men say that they're afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting someone they love, that's why a lot of times they tell me that they don't say anything at all.
Be reliable. Treat her with care and respect. Do for her what you want to be done for yourself (and you should be getting the same, in return), it's really that simple. Reciprocate.
*******************************************************************************
**Keep in mind, as much joking as there is about women being the "boss" in the relationship and nagging you to death, if you really do feel that your wife is that much in control and truly disrespectful of your relationship, then these suggestions are probably not going to work. Try it, but you know your marriage, so trust your instincts.
You may need more help communicating with her or a different approach to how you want to deal with your relationship. Hiring a relationship coach or counselor could help, depending on whether you want to set goals and get to them i.e. asking yourself the "what" and "how". Whether you prefer coaching, as it looks at what you want now and your goals/moving forward, or whether you want to look at things from a different perspective, as counseling does, by looking at the past, as it relates to "now" and delve into the "why" of things.
Copyright 2012 LifeSights
#3
Don't be a know it all. Keep your mind open to new things and new ideas, it can make her feel important and you may actually learn something. Resist the urge to say that you already know that or share what you know about that subject and thank her for expanding your knowledge of it. Learn what humility really means and practice it often. Humility is not a sign of weakness, it's actually sign of strength to not have to show your perspective or opinion all of the time. Just let someone BE. When you understand humility, it shows that you know your weaknesses and you're okay with them. You're comfortable in your own skin.
#4
Be open and honest about yourself. Be authentic, be vulnerable, try to look her in the eyes or at least be near her. Tell her how you feel about something. Show your emotions without being overly needy and if it brings up strong emotions, reassure her that's okay, it's good for you, or you've got it under control. Don't be the judge of what she can handle and what she can't, she shouldn't need you to protect her from feelings.We show vulnerability in many of the things we do, when we make a connection with someone as a friend, lover, or otherwise. Many of the mistakes we make when communicating with others, come down to the inability to show vulnerability but then there are some who show so much, so frequently and inappropriately, that they appear needy. In today's world, many people are becoming more and more emotionally shut off, as a society,we are very disconnected, closed off from our own and others feelings and emotions. Some vulnerability is good, we are not indestructible or robots but our society seems to be valuing disconnect from feeling, more than ever before. I think it is downright scary.
If you really having trouble talking to your wife, tell her. Most of us are compassionate and understanding. Most women do understand that we're different than men. We know that we're the more verbal ones, so please tell us if you're not sure what to say. Sit your wife down and tell her, OR, (my shameless plug but it's free for you, a valuable gift). Sign up on my website for "Husbands! Three Simple Ways To Meaningful Communication With Your Wife-Now!" www.lifesights.us Show your vulnerability. Any worthwhile woman will understand it's because you love her.Tell her if you're afraid of saying the wrong thing. I know a lot of men say that they're afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting someone they love, that's why a lot of times they tell me that they don't say anything at all.
#5
Express your needs in relationships but don't be needy. Don't expect someone to fix things. Don't feel entitled or play the victim. Keep your expectations realistic. Remember to consider the context with her feelings and with your own feelings. Don't jump to conclusions and above all else, give her the benefit of the doubt. Try not to be defensive and offended over everything. Pick your battles!!Be reliable. Treat her with care and respect. Do for her what you want to be done for yourself (and you should be getting the same, in return), it's really that simple. Reciprocate.
*******************************************************************************
**Keep in mind, as much joking as there is about women being the "boss" in the relationship and nagging you to death, if you really do feel that your wife is that much in control and truly disrespectful of your relationship, then these suggestions are probably not going to work. Try it, but you know your marriage, so trust your instincts.
You may need more help communicating with her or a different approach to how you want to deal with your relationship. Hiring a relationship coach or counselor could help, depending on whether you want to set goals and get to them i.e. asking yourself the "what" and "how". Whether you prefer coaching, as it looks at what you want now and your goals/moving forward, or whether you want to look at things from a different perspective, as counseling does, by looking at the past, as it relates to "now" and delve into the "why" of things.
Copyright 2012 LifeSights
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