Things To Be Aware Of In Relationships: For Husbands AND Wives

Things Men Do To Strain Or Ruin A Marriage (this is not to say women don't do things as well but I am relating to men here):

Leaving her alone, either when she's upset or not including her in plans.

Not showing appreciation: I have learned that the words "I appreciate [action]." are very important, as well as the actions.

Not letting her "in" when you're depressed or feeling angry, resentful, bitter.

Not getting close, or giving affection unless you want sex.

Trying to fix her or constant criticism.

Not addressing her insecurities seriously.

Not saying "I'm sorry".

Not realizing who you are, the patterns you tend to get into with people, women in particular.

Not being accountable/responsible for your actions.

To Be The Best Husband You Can Be In Your Marriage:

Be responsible

Have leadership ability

Have decision making ability

Be strongly disciplined

Courageous, even though you are fearful

All together, men feel these show "manliness"

What Do Men Ultimately Want In A Relationship? 

Men want someone who makes them feel good about themselves, to feel needed & respected. They want someone who gives them attention and makes them feel special, intelligent, attractive & confident.

What Do Men Worry About?

Losing a job affects a mans sense of worth and his ability to provide; men worry about money and finances.

Losing looks

Aging 

Being intelligent enough

Being a good father

©LifeSights 2012

Physical and Emotional Things Men Can Give Their Wives

*Men, keep in mind these are things I have learned from male friends, both married and unmarried (but in long-term relationships)....plus what I know that helps me and other female friends I have, when it comes to relationships and marriage*

                                                                          #1

Touch (and compassion) make a difference to women, some men are afraid to reach out when their wife is upset, when actually the best thing to do is to touch her hand or put an arm around her. What you say is important, as well, but it doesn't have to be much. Unless she tells you to leave, don't walk away without saying anything, thinking that she needs to be left alone. As I've said before, I have heard from men that when women are upset, men have a tough time knowing what to do, just as much as what to say.


Sometimes people just want to vent their frustrations with their situation. Resist the urge to give her solutions when you'd be much better off listening. Many times men want to help by fixing or solving things for their partners. Men are very accustomed to problem solving, let me reassure you that this may very well not be one of those times. Listen for cues in the conversation that tells you she is just frustrated and obviously if she's upset with you, then it changes things! You know her better than anyone (I hope!)

 Women want someone who will listen and appear to 
understand (if you don't "get it", it's okay). Women don't 
need someone who has all of the answers to what they are 
venting about, they just want someone who will say
 (sincerely), "Wow, I can't believe that happened!", "That's great!" or "That's terrible!" Don't be preoccupied with something else. People can tell when they don't have your full attention. Listen and make eye contact.

Women want someone to *mirror back what they are concerned, frustrated, sad, happy or angry about, that's why we turn to girlfriends so much because women are good at "mirroring". Women, of course, are very verbal (surprise, surprise), so we talk things out and it helps, even when we do most of the talking while the other person just listens. Most of us don't expect anyone to solve or fix our problems, we just want to know that you get where we're coming from, even if most times, you have a difficult time understanding all of it. Just make a genuine effort.

*Mirroring is common in conversation. The listeners will typically smile or frown along with the speaker. If one person throws in a certain topic, the other will likely contribute similar ideas. Since people usually accept their mirror image with ease, mirroring the person with whom one is speaking generally makes them feel more relaxed and encourages them to open up.

Keep these things in mind, when you think it matters the most and it can go a long way in improving communication.

                                                                               #2

As a coach, I have to really work on not assuming anything and not being judgmental. It's not as easy as you think. Generally, how we are raised, feeds our perspective on things. We all have our perspectives and our points of view and to not let them interfere with helping someone is sometimes quite difficult. In relationships, try very hard not to be judgmental and critical. In fact, be able to take criticism, even if you very much disagree. In the long run, it may not be anything you feel is important to change but try to listen, as you would expect her to, if you had a criticism of her. As with anyone/anything else, say that you will consider it...remember, it's not easy for her to say those things to someone she cares about, especially when she's risking making you angry or hurting you.

#3

Don't be a know it all. Keep your mind open to new things and new ideas, it can make her feel important and you may actually learn something. Resist the urge to say that you already know that or share what you know about that subject and thank her for expanding your knowledge of it. Learn what humility really means and practice it often. Humility is not a sign of weakness, it's actually sign of strength to not have to show your perspective or opinion all of the time. Just let someone BE. When you understand humility, it shows that you know your weaknesses and you're okay with them. You're comfortable in your own skin.

#4

Be open and honest about yourself. Be authentic, be vulnerable, try to look her in the eyes or at least be near her. Tell her how you feel about something. Show your emotions without being overly needy and if it brings up strong emotions, reassure her that's okay, it's good for you, or you've got it under control. Don't be the judge of what she can handle and what she can't, she shouldn't need you to protect her from feelings.


We show vulnerability in many of the things we do, when we make a connection with someone as a friend, lover, or otherwise. Many of the mistakes we make when communicating with others, come down to the inability to show vulnerability but then there are some who show so much, so frequently and inappropriately, that they appear needy. In today's world, many people are becoming more and more emotionally shut off, as a society,we are very disconnected, closed off from our own and others feelings and emotions. Some vulnerability is good, we are not indestructible or robots but our society seems to be valuing disconnect from feeling, more than ever before. I think it is downright scary. 


If you really having trouble talking to your wife, tell her. Most of us are compassionate and understanding. Most women do understand that we're different than men. We know that we're the more verbal ones, so please tell us if you're not sure what to say. Sit your wife down and tell her, OR,  (my shameless plug but it's free for you, a valuable gift). Sign up on my website for "Husbands! Three Simple Ways To Meaningful Communication With Your Wife-Now!" www.lifesights.us  Show your vulnerability. Any worthwhile woman will understand it's because you love her.Tell her if you're afraid of saying the wrong thing. I know a lot of men say that they're afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting someone they love, that's why a lot of times they tell me that they don't say anything at all.

#5

Express your needs in relationships but don't be needy. Don't expect someone to fix things. Don't feel entitled or play the victim. Keep your expectations realistic. Remember to consider the context with her feelings and with your own feelings. Don't jump to conclusions and above all else, give her the benefit of the doubt. Try not to be defensive and offended over everything. Pick your battles!!


Be reliable. Treat her with care and respect. Do for her what you want to be done for yourself (and you should be getting the same, in return), it's really that simple. Reciprocate.

*******************************************************************************
**Keep in mind, as much joking as there is about women being the "boss" in the relationship and nagging you to death, if you really do feel that your wife is that much in control and truly disrespectful of your relationship, then these suggestions are probably not going to work. Try it, but you know your marriage, so trust your instincts. 


You may need more help communicating with her or a different approach to how you want to deal with your relationship. Hiring a relationship coach or counselor could help, depending on whether you want to set goals and get to them i.e. asking yourself the "what" and "how". Whether you prefer coaching, as it looks at what you want now and your goals/moving forward,  or whether you want to look at things from a different perspective, as counseling does, by looking at the past, as it relates to "now" and delve into the "why" of things.


Copyright 2012 LifeSights

As A Husband, How You Can Lead By Example

Lead Your Marriage and Family By Example:

Things I Work On Personally & Live Every Day!

by Erin Grace D’Acunto

These things teach the incredible lesson of humility. When I learned to appreciate these lessons in life, I reached a new level of self-awareness, happiness and appreciation for life. 

• Take responsibility. Blame costs you your credibility, keeps others on the defensive and ultimately sabotages real growth.

• Be truthful. Inaccurate representation affects everyone you are close to...show that honesty really IS the best policy.

• Be courageous. Go first. Take calculated risks that demonstrate commitment to a larger purpose.

• Acknowledge failure. Others will see it is okay to do the same. Failure is part of learning.

• Be persistent. Try, try again. Go over, under or around any hurdles to show that obstacles don’t define your relationship or family.

• Create solutions. Don’t dwell on problems; instead offer solutions and then ask your wife or other family members for more.

• Be attentive- Ask questions, it’s how to learn, how to understand and how to let others showcase their knowledge. You’ll receive valuable insights and set a tone that encourages healthy dialogue.

• Entrust others where they will shine- Encourage an atmosphere in which each family member can focus on their core strengths.

• Self Care- Exercise, don’t overwork, take a break. A balanced marriage and family, mentally and physically, is a successful one. Model it, encourage it, support it! 

• Be directly involved with the processes- You’ll inspire greatness in your household!

Walk the walk, don’t just talk the talk. Work to banish shame (a useless, hurtful emotion), fears of being embarrassed, or looking foolish (admit it, most of us feel those feelings, to some degree or another). Become a person others want to follow. One thing that, almost immediately, makes us lose trust in someone we have esteem for, is hypocrisy.

Copyright 2012 LifeSights.us

How Well Do You Maintain Balance in Your Marriage?

How Well Do You Maintain It In Your Marriage?

by Erin Grace D’Acunto

If trying to maintain balance in your marriage makes you feel as if you’ve got one thing constantly piling up upon another, you’re not alone. Most of us have many demands on our time and energy; often, too many. With work, children, a wife, friends, extended family, activities, projects/hobbies, etc., our time is easily taken up!

Take this quiz to see how well you are meeting your marriages’ needs, while also recognizing and fulfilling other needs and wants.


Of course, balancing “yes” and “no” is easier said than done, especially in a marriage, so this is meant to be a “check-in”, on how you’re looking after yourself, not to add to the stress you already have!

True or False

1. The only way I can successfully manage my marriage, is to take care of myself physically and emotionally.

2. Nurturing myself enlarges my capacity to help my family.

3. I eat healthfully and exercise regularly.

4. I get check-ups, go to the dentist, and take other preventative precautions.


5. I set aside personal, quiet time for myself, whether I’m meditating or simply letting my thoughts drift. 

6. I experience the gifts of each season: ice skating, sledding, bundled-up beach walks; gardening, hiking, more time outside; camping, swimming, barbeques; harvesting the bounty, gathering wood, spending more time inside.


7. Creativity nurtures me, too. I do what I love, whether that’s cooking, drawing, painting, writing, dancing, singing or another creative pursuit.


8. Reaching out to my wife is easy for me, I am able to spend quality time with her.


9. Contributing to the world provides connection and purpose, so together we give our time, energy and experience where it is most useful.


10. I notice, heed and speak with my wife about the emotional signals that tell me I’m out of balance: irritability, overwhelm, resentment.


11. If I feel that I’m catching a cold, I realize I may have stressed my immune system with over-activity, so I stop and take care of myself.


12. When I need or want to, I say “no” to requests for my time.


13. I listen to and honor the requests my body makes for such things as a nap, a walk, fresh fruit, hot soup. 


14. If I have something planned for myself, I don’t just toss that aside when my wife, or others, make a request of me.


15. I’m busy but I find time to do the things I want to do.


16. I’m happy. I regularly experience well-being, contentment, even joy.



                                   Answered false more often than true?

                               

 You may want to take a look at the questions to which  you answered false and see if you can incorporate something from those messages into your life.

If you still find you’re having a difficult time finding balance and it’s interfering with being where you wish to be in your life, hiring a coach can be a big help! Most coaches, such as myself, offer free sessions to see if their approach will work for you; feel free to contact me for a free session! I will never pressure clients to work with me.

                                 info@www.lifesights.us

Copyright 2012 LifeSights

Gratitude in Marriage

Practice Gratitude In Your Marriage

by Erin Grace D’Acunto

 Long-term studies support gratitude’s effectiveness, suggesting that a positive, appreciative attitude contributes to greater success in many areas, including marriages.

While we may acknowledge gratitude’s many benefits, it still can be difficult to sustain. Many of us have been inadvertently “trained” to more quickly notice what is broken or lacking in our lives. The negative tends to stand out and be remembered much more rapidly and easily than the positive. Think of any negative experience (i.e. at a restaurant) and then think of a positive experience. Unless the positive experience is far beyond other positive experiences you’ve had, (when dining out), most people will be quick to tell about a negative experience before the positive one.   

For gratitude to meet its full healing potential in our lives, we have to learn a new way of looking at things; a new habit. That can take some time. I have personally done it and no, it does not happen quickly. Any changes in ways of thinking literally have to make new paths in your brain. Like walking through the woods, you have to travel the same spot repeatedly, to leave an imprint.

My change came about because of the extreme, emotionally trying circumstances I was living in, in my own marriage. My situation gave me very little to be happy about. It was during that time that I had 2 choices, be miserable and see life as “owing” me something (like the people who were around me) or look for goodness everywhere and be thankful for what I have been given. I don’t give up without a fight, so the latter was the only option for me. I found myself going from a negative thinker to a positive thinker. I managed to slowly forge another path by catching myself in the negative moment and telling myself to find some good in it. While I wasn't able to get my spouse to adopt my way of finding gratitude, it has helped me to move through some very difficult times, made my journey less dark and the future more positive.

Some have said, “Maybe you made it through because of your circumstances.” No, I do not give credit to an abusive situation. I made it through in spite of my circumstances and I certainly don’t give credit to abusive people.

When we practice giving thanks for all we have, instead of complaining about what we lack, we give ourselves the chance to see all of life as an opportunity and a blessing. We are not entitled to have things; learn to appreciate.

Of course gratitude isn’t a blindly optimistic approach in which the bad things in life are glossed over or ignored, it’s more a matter of where we put our focus and attention. Pain and injustice exist in this world, but when we focus on the gifts of life, we gain a feeling of well-being. Gratitude balances us and gives us hope.

There are many things to be grateful for: your wife, family, colorful autumn leaves, legs that work, friends, a place to live, a job, food to eat, warm jackets, the ability to read, your health. What’s on your list?

Ways to Practice Gratitude

• Keep a gratitude journal or a list that is visible to you, every day. List things for which you are thankful.  Make daily, weekly or monthly lists. Greater frequency may be better for creating a new habit, but just keeping that journal or list where you can see it, will remind you to think in a grateful way.

• Make a gratitude montage or book by drawing or compiling pictures.

• Practice gratitude as part of your nighttime routine for yourself and your wife, or, if you have them, with your children. Practice it around the dinner table. The sincerity can be very touching to others.

• Find the hidden blessing or learning experience in a challenging situation.

• Notice how gratitude is impacting your life. Write about it, express thanks for gratitude.

As you practice, an inner shift begins to occur, and you may be pleased to discover how content and hopeful you are feeling. That sense of fulfillment is gratitude at work. It is a great way to learn humility and to be a much happier person, all around.

                                                                 

                     

© 2012 LifeSights.us

Coping with the End of a Relationship

by Erin Grace D'Acunto

 Facing the end of a  relationship is stressful, no matter how maturely both people handle it. When there's children and years of history, extended family, etc. it drags out the pain. I've been through a very rough breakup, in particular. 

•  Take an honest look at yourself. What are your strengths, weaknesses? How did those positively or negatively influence your situation?  What went wrong or right? What could you have done better? What worked really well?

• Step up your self-care, take time to focus on who you are. Major changes are physically and emotionally taxing. You need self-care and support now, more than ever. It may be devastating right now but life does go on and there is always a way out and up. 

•  Focus on what you want, and less on what you don’t want. Keep your eye on the future. If  assertiveness or good boundaries was a problem for you in the past, start working on improving them.

•   Find support. Since your transition affects your family as well, it may be better to seek the outside support of friends or professionals. Surround yourself with positive activities and people. Know your limits with how much you can take on and what well meaning words you want to consider from others. I'm guilty of isolating myself and not wanting to bother others or hear their "2 cents"...it's not healthy. Be clear with others if you don't want to discuss things but don't avoid people who care for you. There's nothing "weak" about saying you need help, just the opposite.  

• Work on your thoughts. Calm your fears and reinforce your sense of hope and happiness. Force yourself to smile at people (yes force...in time, it becomes easier), hold a door or give a compliment, even when you don't feel like it. It can become a habit and lift your mood. You have control over this in your life, it is a choice. However, I'm not saying to sugar coat your situation.

•  Reassure (or avoid) those who are threatened by, critical, or jealous of, the change. It surprised me how many people wanted to see my situation as an "it takes two" scenario, when it was much more serious and deeper than that. You don't need people trying to tell you how to feel and what you "should have" done.

•  Create your own rite of passage, take time to vent. Ceremony and ritual help with all transitions. Have fun with it. If you feel overwhelmed with anger or sadness, go someplace isolated (I go in my car) and yell, curse, whatever you need to do to get it out. My car has heard it all. =)

•   Let go of how things were “supposed to be” and work to accept “how things are.” Find appreciation for what is. This is a tough one because endings aren't always done and over with quickly. Avoid the radio or listen to upbeat music or fun commentary, that's what I did and still do. I want happiness and hope in my life.

•  Keep things in perspective. Or try on a new perspective. Don’t get stuck. Remember, the only constant is change. There's so many people in the world, someone is out there...

 Copyright 2012 LifeSights.us

Assertiveness Without Alienating

Asking for what you want and setting boundaries for what you don’t, is essential for good communication. Sometimes though, in practicing this skill, we over-do the assertiveness and end up making someone angry, feeling resentful or shutting down.

Below are four tips for developing your assertiveness that will actually strengthen, deepen and enrich relationships:

 1. Be Clear

Being assertive starts with knowing what you are and aren’t; what you’re willing to be, do, or to have. For many, that’s a monumental task in itself. Here, it may help to ask: “In an ideal world, what would I like to happen?” Focusing on an ideal outcome opens our minds, prevents us from becoming too passive or falling into “victim-thinking.” It helps us get really clear on what we want and don’t want. (Personally, it’s one question I very often ask my clients, in order to get to the heart of what they want.)

 2. Set Boundaries

Once you know what outcome you need (or want), share it. Pay attention to the way stating your boundary feels in your body. With practice, you can actually sense when you’ve got it right for you. It can feel great, even exhilarating, to express your needs or desires out loud. Phrases like “such and such doesn’t work for me” are simple ways of being assertive while maintaining  a connection. (I’ve done it myself and it truly is an amazing feeling.)

 3. Make a Habit of Stating Your Needs and Wants

Exercise being assertive. Practice speaking up daily, about things big and small. When you speak up about “smaller” things, others get used to the assertiveness. It becomes easier for you to practice and for others to hear. The best part is, when bigger issues come along, there already will be a healthy process in place for dealing with differences and there will be greater confidence in the resilience of your relationships.

 4. Give as Much as You Get

If you want your boundaries to be respected, respect those of others. When it comes to following through on a reasonable request, actions do speak louder than words.

*Finally, if you find that your assertiveness is consistently being met with defensiveness or disrespect, it may be time to re-evaluate the value of the relationship and, if it is a marriage or romantic relationship, you may find it helpful to speak with a professional counselor or coach.

 © 2012 LifeSights.us