Assertiveness Without Alienating

Asking for what you want and setting boundaries for what you don’t, is essential for good communication. Sometimes though, in practicing this skill, we over-do the assertiveness and end up making someone angry, feeling resentful or shutting down.

Below are four tips for developing your assertiveness that will actually strengthen, deepen and enrich relationships:

 1. Be Clear

Being assertive starts with knowing what you are and aren’t; what you’re willing to be, do, or to have. For many, that’s a monumental task in itself. Here, it may help to ask: “In an ideal world, what would I like to happen?” Focusing on an ideal outcome opens our minds, prevents us from becoming too passive or falling into “victim-thinking.” It helps us get really clear on what we want and don’t want. (Personally, it’s one question I very often ask my clients, in order to get to the heart of what they want.)

 2. Set Boundaries

Once you know what outcome you need (or want), share it. Pay attention to the way stating your boundary feels in your body. With practice, you can actually sense when you’ve got it right for you. It can feel great, even exhilarating, to express your needs or desires out loud. Phrases like “such and such doesn’t work for me” are simple ways of being assertive while maintaining  a connection. (I’ve done it myself and it truly is an amazing feeling.)

 3. Make a Habit of Stating Your Needs and Wants

Exercise being assertive. Practice speaking up daily, about things big and small. When you speak up about “smaller” things, others get used to the assertiveness. It becomes easier for you to practice and for others to hear. The best part is, when bigger issues come along, there already will be a healthy process in place for dealing with differences and there will be greater confidence in the resilience of your relationships.

 4. Give as Much as You Get

If you want your boundaries to be respected, respect those of others. When it comes to following through on a reasonable request, actions do speak louder than words.

*Finally, if you find that your assertiveness is consistently being met with defensiveness or disrespect, it may be time to re-evaluate the value of the relationship and, if it is a marriage or romantic relationship, you may find it helpful to speak with a professional counselor or coach.

 © 2012 LifeSights.us